I was born alone. I will die alone. I will always be alone.

Misery comes from the hope that one day someone will care about me. Extinguish that hope and you extinguish the pain. Acceptance of reality is so necessary.

No one will ever care about me. No one will ever listen to me.

People only like me when I am giving to them, or doing what they want.

What’s the point in bothering with anyone?

Any attempts just to get someone to care about and understand me are followed by me being told how “needy” or “demanding” I am. How I can be such a burden. In other words, can I get back to giving THEMsupport….and they use guilt, fear, shame and emotional abuse to get their way. Piledrive over my needs.

At least my first wife was honest, she actually told me that I wasn’t supposed to have any needs and I was just supposed to look after her. That’s what everybody wants. They don’t say it, but that’s what they really want.

People are happy to make business arrangements. I’ll do this if you do this. The world works like that. Unfortunately no one actually genuinely cares. No ones motivation is I’ll do this unselfishly so that you can be happy. Perish the thought.

Pretty much people leave you alone and expect you to play a role for them, whether it is in a marriage, workplace, family, groups of friends. He is your charter on how to behave. This is what a husband is. So if you are different, you are forced to roleplay.

Unfortunately, even roleplaying isn’t good enough. You have to be enthusiastic in your assigned role.

I can’t roleplay anymore. I’d rather be alone.

I think I’m really easy to look after. Everyone else disagrees. I just want someone to listen. No one wants to listen. They want to do ANYTHING but listen and often go to extraordinary lengths to avoid listening.

I think listening is easy to do. You just have to care without an agenda. People can’t do it. They want to fix everything. They know everything you are going to say before you get a chance to speak.The paradox is that unless you understand someone, you won’t be able to offer advice….and in order to understand someone, you have to listen. I think that at least 99% of the advice and help I have received has been total crap. Literally. No one has a clue who I am, so how can they offer me advice?

I’m sick to death of people offering me bad advice.

However, if you tell the truth, people get very angry. They HATE having their advice rejected. So you have to roleplay so they don’t get angry at you.

I think to some degree that people are aware that they cannot listen and have no clue who I am, so they perform actions which I will call “Compensatory Acts”. They feel guilt that they cannot fulfil my needs, so to alleviate this guilt they do other things, like buying gifts, washing up, cleaning etc…….so that they feel better. They even out their guilt. They claim they are doing this for me. I don’t actually want them to, but again, they get angry if I say this. So once again, I have to roleplay.

The truth is, people get angry with me if I don’t roleplay enthusiastically enough to fulfil their needs. But unless some of my needs get met, I can’t be truly happy and roleplay effectively….. so I try to get my needs met, which ends is misery. I just get nagged and made to feel bad whatever I do. Then people moan at me for being depressed. I just can’t win.

This is a dynamic which has pervaded most of my relationships of all types. Very few people have genuinely accepted me for who I am.

My honest opinion is that people are very broken. They feel so hopeless on the inside that they have to create a reality where they already know everything, and all that they do is automatically right. This reality has to be protected at all costs. Therefore no one ever learns. How can anyone ever learn when they already know everything? Most people don’t know much. Not a millionth of how much they think they do anyway. This is simply because they are unwilling to learn.

The difference between a fool and a wise man is that a wise man is willing to learn from his mistakes. So why is one willing to learn? He is sufficiently secure within himself to be able to admit that he is not flawless. The fool is not.

All the people I have been around are desperately insecure. Therefore none of them are able to listen to me, or understand me. Obvious really.

I need to find some secure people. Ones who are willing to understand me. Let me in. Ones that don’t force me to roleplay.

I am so desperately tired. I just want someone to talk to. Even surrounded by people who supposedly care about me, I am very much alone.