My first words here on DT… Just to get a few things off my chest, and perhaps explain why I’m here.
I’m a 28-year old woman suffering from severe depression and anxiety.
I’ve been in therapy for about three years now, but things seem to get worse instead of better. It’s come to the point where my sister, asking me to thank her or forgive her as I see fit, has contacted my doctor to get me admitted to hospital, since she is fearing that I might "do something stupid". I’ve never been suicidal, but I’m starting to realize why people might choose that option – and that’s scaring me. To feel so frustrated, desperate – that the future cannot hold anything better – that all is hopeless, pointless – is an awful feeling that I would not wish upon anyone.
I live on my own in a small apartment in a medium-sized city. I have no close friends, as I have isolated myself from almost everyone I know, not answering calls or messages. The only one still trying to have a relationship with me, is my boyfriend for about two years. Why he’s still around I don’t know – I would not have stayed together with someone who’s more or less constantly trying to push me away. Guess he needs to see a doctor too 🙂 Also, I have my family quite close, although I feel that I cannot confide in them, because they seem to blow things out of proportion, like my sister calling my doctor, so I’d rather not bother them when I’m down.
I’m currently on my fourth type of anti-depressant, but I don’t think they’re working like they’re supposed to – I get the physical side-effects, like weight gain, disturbed dreams etc., but they don’t seem to improve my mood or anxiety. Some of them have had an impact for a few months, but nothing long-lasting, so I feel like I’m chewing my way through what’s on sale, but I have no real hope that pills will help me enough to be able to lead a normal life, working, taking care of myself, being able to make new friends or get back in touch with old friends, even be happy once in a while like I used to.
So, that’s a bit about myself, my problems and some of my history. Feels both nice and scary to say as much as I have – although I know this is a site for people like me, it’s easy to feel that anyone reading this might be judging me, thinking me too weak. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.