I don't understand how people cope with the world. I don't understand how anyone gets up out of bed in the morning and wanders off into it, including myself. It's like the same fear that I have of the ocean, but now extended to everywhere else, too. Like the total awareness of it's vastness and it's depth and how small and insignifcant I am in comparison. It's a completely helpless feeling. It's an isolating feeling. I got it one day when I wasdriving and now I get it when I'm driving all the time.
I don't know what to do about it. It's almost like I can't relate to anyone anymore and they can't relate to me. Because even if they have the same fears about the future, it doesn't make them cry all the time. They haven't lost all confidence and hope. I told my boyfriend that I felt like I was drowning and he said he and everyone else are throwing me life-savers and I just won't take them. He said I must want to drown. And I felt so alone when he said that. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to drown, I wish there was something I could hold onto. But none of it's tangible. Or I'm not strong enough to hold onto what is. I've always been drowning. I'll always be drowning.
It doesn't get better. It never has. Everytime I look back at my old diaries, I'm so angry at that girl because she had no idea how easy she had it. Whenever I write these things, I always think I'm at my worst. It can't get worse than this. But it always does. There's always something else. It just gets harder. And I'm not tough enough to hack it. I'm weak. I'm scared of everything. I'm anxious all the time. I dread the future.
My boyfriend is one of the few things that makes my future a little less scary. Tomorrow he's going to school with me because there's a peer advising thing that I'm too afraid to go to otherwise. I'm afraid to do anything that relates to my major on a bigger picture. I'm afraid to think about it. I'm afraid of even being on campus when I don't have to be. So he's willing to go with me. I know I'm not alone. I have him and a supportive family. But somehow I feel more alone than ever.
I don't know what to do. I think I need to see a therapist.