Not really sure if this will help anyone, but writing seems to help me out. I kind of want to give it a try online.
I always tell myself to be thankful for what I have and the support I receive. Not everyone is as lucky as me, but why do I never \”cheer up\”? Am I just naturally selfish? I try not to be. I make sure to help those, I see, that need help and I\’m always there for my friends. I never do anything malicious or with negative intent. Maybe there is just something wrong.. or off about me. I go through the days like it is all one big blur. I wake up, use the bathroom, sit in front of my computer, and contemplate my life and its worth. I talk to friends, make sure to take my meds and pay my bills, and contemplate my life and its worth. I change my clothes, sometimes take a shower, and contemplate my life and its worth. I wallow in my sadness, forget my grounding techniques, and contemplate my life and its worth. Worthless… I always come to that conclusion. No matter how many times I am told I\’m needed or that I matter, I always feel worthless. Just enough to make me depressed, but not enough to want to end it all. Enough to keep me afloat, but not enough to keep me from gasping for air.
I reach out. I always reach out. People care about me for some reason. I reach out. I talk about what I\’m feeling. Never the why though. The why is saved for me. The why is too much for anyone else. It would be a burden if I told my loved ones why. I can talk to a therapist about the why, but not my loved ones. They worry about me enough, they don\’t need to know why, do they?
Some days are better and easier than others, but I guess today isn\’t that day.