So…. I guess there's two things I want to… rant about I guess. This could be a long blog.
First, I feel stuck. What's worse is I know I'm stuck and I know what I need to do to change it. I just am too afraid to or feel too helpless to.
In high school I was a loner, I didn't really have any close friends, not sure why… I never really put myself out there I guess, and therefore never really connected to anyone. I had people I talked to in classes, I just didn't hang out with anyone outside of school. I've never had a best friend or anything like that… Okay scratch that, I had one, and I totally failed her… and she's not in my life anymore. My home life was pretty tough, my father died when I was 8, and my mother pretty much completely fell apart. She stopped respecting herself, moved us into this crappy trailer park, and started dating an abusive drunk. I hated being at home, and my only refuge was the internet. I'd come home, and go straight on the computer, on weekends and school vacations I'd be on the computer for hours at a time. I was a part of various online communities and made friends on these online communities. It's pretty safe to say, I'm addicted to the internet. My closest friends have pretty much always been online friends, and I find it a lot easier to open up to people online.
Then I went to college, towards the end of my freshman year I met a lot of awesome people through my roommate at the time, and had a pretty solid group of friends throughout my college years. Still, I didn't really feel that close to any of them? Like they confided in me, but I could never really let myself open up to them. It sounds horrible but sometimes I also felt… exhausted by my friendships. Like hanging out with them, being there for all their problems, late night study sessions, etc it was all fun, but then sometimes I just wanted to be alone, sometimes I'd just want to spend hours on the computer talking to people I've never met and will probably never meet. I guess I just don't know how to be a friend.
My senior year I was supposed to do an internship, but I never did one, I just didn't know how to put myself out there to get one. All my friends were able to network and all that good stuff but I just… have no social skills. Probably because the bulk of my social interactions take place somewhere I don't have to speak or make eye contact with someone. So although I graduated in May, I won't get my degree until I complete my internship.
So, since June I have been trying to find employment. I figure I'll work my internship around my work schedule after the fact since I need money. I went to a private school that cost $35k a year, I got scholarships for most of it based on need, but I still needed to take out loans each year, my loan payments will be around $400 a month for the next 20 years… starting in November…. and I have no job. I can't find any jobs in my field because I have no experience, so I'm basically going to be working a job I could have gotten fresh out of high school… and not been thousands of dollars in debt. I thought going to college was supposed to help me better my life? Not completely screw it up.
I'm living at home for now, and I hate it. I live with my mom and younger sister. My little sister is a snob. She's smarter than me, and more out going than me when I was her age. She's spoiled, and is incredibly hypocritical and ungrateful. My mom is a ditz. She's just not very… mom like. Besides financially, it's more like I'm her mom than the other way around. She's completely unsupportive and puts me down frequently. I feel awful that I'm stuck here, and feel totally useless because my day consists of sleeping, eating, using the computer, and checking the internet/newspapers for jobs. I thought my life was gunna be so different from this. I used to be sooo hopeful, like that I'd break the cycle and all that stuff, I used to think I was awesome… and that I'd go out there and like… change the world or something. 😛 Now… it's like just being alive exhausts me. I sleep like 8-10 hours a night (and by night I mean like… 7am-3pm lately) and then still manage to take naps ranging from 2-4 hours long. I'm afraid I'm going to become my mom. I want to be successful and not have to worry about the things my mom did, I didn't want to be in debt my whole life. I know money isn't everything, I know money won't buy happiness, but I'd rather be crying in a mansion.
Maybe I'll feel better when I finally get a job but things just feel so off track of where I thought they would be. My degree will be in Psychology when I get it, which I think is ironic since I can't even help myself so idk how I'm actually gunna help anyone else… there just isn't anything else I've ever wanted to do so I majored in it. Maybe that was a bad idea.
The second thing, which is related, is how lonely I feel.
I'm lonely all the time. Even when other people are around. I feel soooo empty… I feel like all of my relationships are empty. Even my online ones which used to be like…. my security blanket. I just feel like all my family and friends just go through the motions with me. They say they care, they say they're available if I want to talk, they say "I love you" but then they don't… back it up?
This past summer I sort of lost a really good friend. We're still friends… it's just we re evaluated where our friendship was headed and we decided it was kind of unhealthy and that some changes should be made. Since then I haven't felt the same towards people. I've been distant, and while I want to be close to people at the same time I don't. I don't want to listen to my friends problems. I want things to be about me for a change. I want people to worry about me, to ask me how I'm doing, to care, to matter to someone. It always seems the other way around, that I put tons of effort in….and then when I'm not needed anymore the other person just moves on. I've been a pretty optimistic person the last couple years, but these last few months… I haven't been. I just feel soo betrayed by like everyone.
I've had pretty minimal contact with my college friends since graduation. They all have jobs and other things going on… and I'm just stuck. I can drive, but don't have a car and experience much anxiety when thinking about driving on the highway to go see said friends. They all live pretty far away. Like I said in high school I was a loner so I don't have any friends close by. & I'm not sure how to meet people. I don't really like the idea of the club or bar scene…. but I have no idea how else people my age meet people? I'm also not really sure what my hobbies are…. or how to find out what they are. I wanna go back to school eventually, and I'm sure I'd make friends there but I can't really afford it right now… and I'm kinda sick of school.
I wish I had a best friend. Someone I could legit tell anything to and they'd understand me, or at least be willing to try. I feel like I have to explain my self to everyone, that I have to justify everything. I just want someone to "get me."
Wow… I guess this is a pretty long blog. I guess that's all I have to say for now.