Since my early teens, I’ve felt dysphoria. I didn’t know that’s what it was, just hurt feelings when the girls would go to play or talk and made it plain to me that I was not allowed to join them.
My first girlfriend doubled down on this. I felt like no part of her life that I was not immediately present for was open to me. She would have a female friend over as a chaperone, and they would whisper the whole time. It was at this point that I snapped.
While I wouldn’t presume to diagnose myself, the description of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria really fits. A compulsive need to be accepted, and irrational feelings when I wasn’t. I broke up with M, but really felt that I couldn’t trust any woman. I went to college, and even when women did accept me I didn’t believe them. I hurt a lot of people, and even 40 years later I still feel guilty.
At some point later I went on antidepressant medications. These mainly number my emotions, and put the female part of me into a chemically-induced coma, so the RSD was held at bay, but at the price of a significant part of myself. I really wish the meds were used properly, as a way to give me the space to work on my issues, rather than just shut them off.
Recently I read multiple articles, including a publicly funded study on the NIH website, about a correlation between antidepressants and increased risk of dementia. As I’m rapidly approaching 60, this is a major concern for me. I found a psychiatrist who helped me taper off.
I’m still in the period where the meds are clearing my system (another 2-3 weeks I think), and the woman within is waking up again. She’d been abused and starved when I was young, and now even more so.
The RSD is coming back, and I’m seeing the “Keep Out” signs again. When she tries to connect to women as a woman, the face and voice they see is male, so there’s a wall. It hurts so much it’s literally killing me.
The one advantage I have now is I’ve recognized my gender dysphoria for what it is. I am on the waiting list for a counselor who does gender-affirming care. I will see if HRT is right for me.
I know there are cis women who will never accept me fully, but it is my hope that I can transition sufficiently that maybe some will. Doesn’t have to be all, but a few close friends would really help.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life, and I hope helped put things into a different perspective seeing them as words. I worked at a health call centre as reception for people to get into touch with Nurses regarding health questions, so I am glad that you are responsible to seek help to get tapered off of meds because I’ve seen many that do not. For the HRT therapy, with those resources I had at that workplace I looked at it a lot, so I have the site the Nurses use for correct and up to date information. Search HRT feminizing therapy and go to the MayoClinic one, and it lists the pros/cons including a timeline what to expect.
I have never been on meds for any sort of anxiety or depression, but I kept on pushing these feelings down and down. I do my best to completely fit into situations to seem like a regular person, and I seem to connect in conversations with women as well as men. The one caveat being for conversation with women is anything too deep into things that might make me seem interested, like makeup for example, although I’ve wanted to know about it for a LONG time.
In high school my want to fit in was even higher, I did things to feel like one of the guys even if I wasn’t particularly interested (sports was a big one). I had a girlfriend that straight up asked me if I was gay, and I was shocked and said no because I wasn’t interested in guys, so needless to say we broke up. I guess words like “gay” “fag” “queer” really drew my limitations
Ya know what, I forgot to mention that in high school I was constantly bullied for being “gay”, and even though I replied in the negative as you did, I think I developed some sort of Stockholm Syndrome, and became somewhat transphobic and homophobic.
High school is rarely a super-supportive time of life, but I wish I’d had someone really explain gender dysphoria to me back then, I might not have been as much of a jerk, and might have gotten the treatment I needed – even if not HRT and surgery, but at least gender-supporting care that could really have helped.
Even when I was in highschool 20-25 years ago, these words of gender dysphoria, gender fluid, didn’t exist, and gay certainly wasn’t a good light to be in. Feeling validated is all that people want in general, and I am only guessing, but the only reaction you’d get saying you are the wrong gender would be told you are mentally ill.
unfortunately true. Even longer ago for me (1980’s)