I’ve been at school 3 days, it’s been really hard, real shitty. I know that education is important, but shouldn’t you live your life in a way that gives you fufillment? Can’t I have both, be at college and not feel like a friendless loser? Why……
It’s just hard, I can’t confide in anyone here, I have to act happy all the time and not show how much I’ve struggled, how much I still struggle. I can’t tell anyone, and I’m having a meeting with my therapist, about it on wed. but……i am just like a fish out of water and talking to her won’t fix that the way it would when I was at home.
The thing I hate the most is hiding my sadness, because I can’t burden/trust anyone with my feelings. i am all alone, and all I want is someone to cry to, to be close to, to connect with. After betrayals that happened last year, I feel like I can’t trust anyone, and it makes things feel so awful, like everyone is a second away from being against me, that any second now I will do something wrong and everyone will use that as an excuse to treat me badly.
I want to be good, I try so hard to be good, I don’t want anyone to be upset with me, or to upset anyone. I want to be a positive force in other’s lives, but around the people I know I feel like I am constantly on probation, constantly in the dog house, not on the same level as everyone else in the group. They don’t see it, how alone I am, and I can’t tell them.
I haven’t been this sad in a while, it is really awful, and I think about all the things I said to myself and to my mother about making college here work, and…..it’s just really hard right now because I don’t fit in anywhere. I walk through a sea of people, a sea of groups, but I’m all alone. I have noone to turn to, and I’ve always needed that, I’ve always needed a best friend, or my sister, and there isn’t anyone there to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I want to take a xanxax to try and soothe myself, but I already took one today, I don’t want to run out of them, or become dependedn on them. I don’t want to be at all when I feel so out of place, where I don’t have a space for myself, a place to fit in and be accepted. I’m so sad.