He wants to go to an open mic.  I don’t want to go, but I am willing to humor him.  I understand the value of getting out of the house and all.

I am calmer, but no apologies have been forthcoming.  And, that’s not exactly shocking.  Once I capitulated, why would he bother to rethink the situation?  To consider how hard all that was for me – to open up about those things?  And, I KNOW I didn’t sound at all sh*tty until the shrink told me that with my attitude, my treatment would not be a success.  That was a bullsh*t thing to say.  He only said it because I wasn’t willing to take a number of different drugs (b/c of things u’ve read / seen) – I have every right to be picky, and I should be.  These are complex, powerful drugs, and the dude pushing them doesn’t even know how they work.  He won’t even go to a shrink, or take any drugs, but he’ll judge me, and how I handle the ordeal.  He was such a shit,  It’s really hard to forgive when he doesn’t own up to it, or apologize.

But, whatever…

My day has been crap.  I mailed a present to my parents.  Something I made for my mom and dad… 

Lady Bob, get me your new address, and I will send your worry dolls, already.

I am so drained and sad.  I don’t know how to feel good, right now.  I hate being like this.  I hate being manic.  This is when people like me kill themselves – (mixed episodes) when they manage to get depressed while manic.  I am so f@cking nuts.  Sometimes, I feel like I have no control.  

And, the situation with Charlie…  I really do have no control, there.  I don’t know how to leave.  I wouldn’t say, that I want to leave.  This still feels like home.  He’s still the man I married.  But, the longer we live together like this, with NOTHING physical or romantic between us…  even when I felt like he was just humoring me, there was still something there.  I don’t know how I feel about any of it, anymore.  Sometimes, I think he wants to work it out, and other times, I think I nearly see hatred in his eyes.  I don’t know, anymore.  He’s a person I have never been able to read.  I know him better than anyone else does, and I don’t know what the hell he’s thinking or feeling.  I try not to think about it.  I know forcinbg a confrontation would only make things more tenuous, and then there really might be hell to pay.  And, I know that if I focus on this, I will go insane, so, I try to focus on myself.

I know I’ll break down if it ends, but I know I have to be free of smack whatever happens, or I’ll never be right for anyone or anything.  Not Charlie…  not me…  not anyone…

I can’t afford to look ahead, right now.  I start thinking about my relationship, too much, and I am going to get tied up in knots over that, and I can’t do that.  That isn’t the priority, right now.  Nothing matters as much as not using, right now. 

No matter how much I am disappointed by Charlie, or some shrink, or my state of mind, I have to hold on, and stay off smack.  Because, off smack, things will get better (somehow, they will).  On smack…  things can only get worse.