He wants to go to an open mic. I don’t want to go, but I am willing to humor him. I understand the value of getting out of the house and all.
I am calmer, but no apologies have been forthcoming. And, that’s not exactly shocking. Once I capitulated, why would he bother to rethink the situation? To consider how hard all that was for me – to open up about those things? And, I KNOW I didn’t sound at all sh*tty until the shrink told me that with my attitude, my treatment would not be a success. That was a bullsh*t thing to say. He only said it because I wasn’t willing to take a number of different drugs (b/c of things u’ve read / seen) – I have every right to be picky, and I should be. These are complex, powerful drugs, and the dude pushing them doesn’t even know how they work. He won’t even go to a shrink, or take any drugs, but he’ll judge me, and how I handle the ordeal. He was such a shit, It’s really hard to forgive when he doesn’t own up to it, or apologize.
My day has been crap. I mailed a present to my parents. Something I made for my mom and dad…
Lady Bob, get me your new address, and I will send your worry dolls, already.
I am so drained and sad. I don’t know how to feel good, right now. I hate being like this. I hate being manic. This is when people like me kill themselves – (mixed episodes) when they manage to get depressed while manic. I am so [email protected] nuts. Sometimes, I feel like I have no control.
And, the situation with Charlie… I really do have no control, there. I don’t know how to leave. I wouldn’t say, that I want to leave. This still feels like home. He’s still the man I married. But, the longer we live together like this, with NOTHING physical or romantic between us… even when I felt like he was just humoring me, there was still something there. I don’t know how I feel about any of it, anymore. Sometimes, I think he wants to work it out, and other times, I think I nearly see hatred in his eyes. I don’t know, anymore. He’s a person I have never been able to read. I know him better than anyone else does, and I don’t know what the hell he’s thinking or feeling. I try not to think about it. I know forcinbg a confrontation would only make things more tenuous, and then there really might be hell to pay. And, I know that if I focus on this, I will go insane, so, I try to focus on myself.
I know I’ll break down if it ends, but I know I have to be free of smack whatever happens, or I’ll never be right for anyone or anything. Not Charlie… not me… not anyone…
I can’t afford to look ahead, right now. I start thinking about my relationship, too much, and I am going to get tied up in knots over that, and I can’t do that. That isn’t the priority, right now. Nothing matters as much as not using, right now.
No matter how much I am disappointed by Charlie, or some shrink, or my state of mind, I have to hold on, and stay off smack. Because, off smack, things will get better (somehow, they will). On smack… things can only get worse.