I saw the Psychiatrist today, Dr R. I think I was there for nearly an hour, normally, I am there for 20 minutes. I felt guilty for making her late for her next appointment because I hate it when she is late for mine.

 

My CPN said “A problem shared is a problem halved” Dr R knows about what happened and so does my GP. I don’t feel any lighter or happier or relieved. I feel worse now I have seen her. I feel like she has pity for me and I hate being pitied.

 

I wasn’t going to tell DR R about what happened, but she kept giving me all these shitty examples of situations to try relate to me but they were ALL WRONG. I asked her “If I tell you why I am hurting so much, will you take it away” She listened, it took me a while to get it out, but I did. She said it would take time for me to process things, I told her an hour feels like a week to me, months to years feels like decades.

 

I was truthful, I told her about how I pulled the shortest straw ever in life, and because I am that much a sucky person, I threw the straw on the floor, now I don’t have any straw.

 

On my way back I went to town, I braved the bus and cried all the way there. I walked through the streets and wanted to just drop dead in front of people. I wanted to give in, every 5 minutes or so I would get an intense rush of a feeling of total hatred for myself, everyone and the world. Defiantly suicidal tonight.

 

I also visited about 4 chemists to buy paracetamols and the like, I really have just had enough. I have way too many problems to list them.

 

Dr R said that I didn’t deserve to be this unhappy and I said that just how crap life really is, that’s all it does to me, I deserve to get what I want for a change and I don’t want to be here, the longer I am here the more I will just get hurt.

 

Dr R said she would talk to my CPN about what I talked about (the rape) and then it would be easier for me when I see her. I see her in the morning. I don’t want to.

 

My medication has completely annihilated my feelings, I feel like a big gaping void hole heading for disaster but with no feelings about it. 300mg Seroquel (Quetiapine) Not a good idea.  I don’t know why she put it so high.

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