I’m slowly crying, the dark looming around me, the shadows creeping into my heart. The sorrow of what I feel cannot be expressed through spoken words. Why is it I find speaking about my true feelings so hard, when I can utter a lie without a second thought?
Things cannot be changed within ones past, but I can help to mould my future.
Maybe it is just my thoughts that portrays my true self, which cannot be seen past the confinements of my skull.
I am human prison, holding a power source within it, which if let go would destroy everything I hold dear to my heart. Some say turn to god or a source of higher power for absolution, some will say turn to science for explanations, and then there are the few which will say turn to yourself, see what cannot be seen, and find what has been lost.
I have lost a lot and I cannot seem to find all that has been taken from me, my eye sight is failing so I cannot see or find my way? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel or is that only possible at death?
I do not fear what is install for me I fear what I cannot control. This pain which time does not heal, I simply get used to the spearing effect that is had on my heart.
My heart, an organ which pumps blood round my body, yet it does so much more. It controls my emotions, my moods and how I react. How much can it take? How much can I take? My hands shake, my head bowed low, tears streaming down my cheeks like a waterfall captured by the suns rays.
Tears help to clear my mind, bring back chemical balance, but what effect does it have on the psychological side of the person. Does it help them? Some yes this can be true, but for the few like me, it seems to make it worse.
Time may heal all things but if it was damaged on creation how can it be healed?
I’m sorry you’re going through this pain right now. There *is* light at the end of the tunnel (even if you cannot make it out because it is further than you can see right now). First of all, I don’t believe anyone is “damaged on creation.” Secondly, very few people can boast that they have lived life without making mistakes/having regrets. I would argue that if you aren’t making mistakes, you’re not trying to learn/grow.
As for the question you posed about why it’s easier to lie… simple answer. Being honest is not always the “safe” route to take. Honesty can hurt people, it can “blow up” worlds around people, it can give or destroy another’s power. Honesty requires that you allow yourself to be selfish enough to say what you’re really thinking/feeling – without regard for another’s feelings – while still being vulnerable enough to not hide behind the fluffy lies that everyone would rather hear.
Good luck to you on your journey. Please keep writing. Your thoughts and feelings are valid and writing is a great way to express them. Sometimes, it can also help you see holes in your logic that may help you claw your way out of a dark emotional pit. And please – keep reaching out to others. Even if you only feel safe in doing so here, it is better than bottling it up inside.