It seems it’s been quite a while since I last wrote a blog entry here. I would write about how life is pointless and I couldn’t get my life going. My last blog entry was right before I got the job that has completely turned my life around. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to deal with people or keep a job long. I’ve now been there almost a year and a half, and I’m proud of myself for that. I now have a nice apartment and a life with my amazing husband whom I met at work. I had little hope that life would get good for me. I was too afraid to do anything about it. But I learned something. I learned that in order for things to change in my life, I have to make them happen. If you aren’t happy with your life, you have to take action and make it change, and I failed to do that for so long. I needed to find something that worked for me. And it only happened after I hit rock bottom.
I had a panic attack one night that just kept leading to more and more until I was advised to go the emergency room. There I met a doctor whom I saw then for a couple months or so. He kept pressuring me to get a job. I think we both knew that’s what I really needed for depression (and the obvious reasons). I probably didn’t like hearing it, but it’s what I needed. Growing up and spending your whole life secluded from the world can have some bad effects, but I’ve gotten better. I did get a job, and I’m glad. For the first time I’m actually out around people on a regular basis, though I think the solitude may have had a bit of a permanent effect on me. I don’t try to make friends and don’t care to. For the most part I don’t even talk to people. But at least it’s because I have no desire to and not because I’m afraid. I have more confidence in myself now that I can do things. I just have to want to and try hard enough.
While things are better, I’m not immune from depression. I think my problem now is more anger and paranoia. I think I can be a huge jerk. I’m not always a nice person. The worst thing is that that doesn’t bother me. It feels like having a monster in me. Just one small thing can happen to dampen my mood, and it’s as if it can’t be recovered after that. There’s just this sort of frustration that stays inside and won’t go away for a long time. And it can all be over something so small. And it’s my fault because that’s the way I am.
On the bright side, I’m glad that things have gotten so much better. I know that life is a journey and this is just one small part of it. It all becomes a story in the end, and I find that so interesting. I am in a much better place now, just adding another chapter to this story.