Some days I think I’m driving my husband nuts! Utterly and literally nuts! For the most part I think we’re doing fine but then there are days that I can’t seem to get over my irritation at the smallest things. Sometimes I feel like I’m nuts. Not in the sense that I need to be put on medication or locked in a straight jacket but I’m not the easiest person to live with. I know that. That is precisely why I didn’t want to let anyone get close to me to begin with. I was fine in my own little world as a single mom but he was charming, kind and patient and he melted my heart strings. At first I was very open about myself. I’m a survivor of domestic violence in the past and one of my biggest triggers is alcohol. I have a lot of trouble around people when they are drinking or drunk. Severe anxiety and panic even when I know in my mind that I’m safe. It doesn’t matter to me. I still feel heightened awareness and even fight or flight rise up in my body and I can’t seem to put that down until I’m in an alcohol free zone. This is a conflict because my husband likes to drink and drinks often. Not in the fall down alcoholic kind of way but it was to the point where it was every single day for a while there. Until we fought so often the D word came up very often. Plus, he often had people like his brother over for days or weeks on end and they would binge drink and I would get so nervous that some days I didn’t even want to come home. That’s one issue.
Second issue is I know I have OCD compulsions. Not to an extreme but I can’t walk around in the house barefoot to the point where if I can’t find slippers I won’t move until my feet are covered and socks just doesn’t cut it. Next is I can’t stand a mess, I organize canned goods in a row according to product and I can’t buy anything in 3’s. It has to be an even number. I can do 5 or 7 but never 3. My husband always tries to by 3 of the same item and it bothers me until I put #4 in, even if we don’t need it. He also has young children and is himself somewhat messy of a person. I try not to let that one bother me too much but I have limits. He doesn’t seem to mind if clutter is all over the floor and to me it will bother me to the point where I have to get rid of it and throw it all away. This issue coupled by the fact that my husband is very passive aggressive means we are constantly clashing on issues. He will avoid and I will fester.
Last but not least the differences in parenting style. I am authoritative and he is permissive. I can’t stand it when I make a decision and he goes behind me and reverses that decision. I say no candy and he gives candy. I say no chips before supper, he gives them chips before supper. I say bed time is at 10pm and he says, “Well, she’s hungry. Let her stay up and eat these noodles or I’ll make her something.” Meanwhile I have to get up at 6am and its past midnight. I don’t see any reason whatsoever to have to eat that late at night but when I say anything he gets highly offended and punishes me by turning what I say around. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it I don’t think. He just hates to see the children upset or cry but at the same time they have learned now that no matter what I say, he will over turn it so they don’t have to respect me. I am the bad guy, the crazy one and it makes me feel like even when I win, I lose.