So, as part of my support group I am supposed to keep a *mood journal*. You know, each day write a little something about how Im feeling etc. Supposedly this will help me recognize triggers, patterns..etc. Apparently once I recognize these things I will be able to better manage my moods. *shrug* I dunno. Ive been struggling to do this for 10+ years now. Nevertheless, I am willing to try. So, what better way to take advantage of the blog function.
Today has been OK thus far. Ive been dealing with a lot of medical drama. Both my own & family. I wish I had a better support system. I spend far too much time alone. Loneliness is one of my triggers, I know that much. As for moods, I still havnt reached a point where I can manage those buggars! The changes come and go so quickly.. I dont know until I am in the midst of them. It certainly makes the day a bit more difficult. I sit and wish for companionship. Perhaps that would make the day go by with a bit more ease. But Ive apparently distanced myself so far from everyone that there arent many left. Understandable. One has to be capable of being a friend before they can have them. And I, have been so wrapped up in my own illness that Ive been a crappy companion. So, you get what you give.. and now.. I suffer the consequences. At least I can now recognize that. Overall, mood is OK. Lonely & feeling a bit isolated… but nothing new. Had a few moments of agitation and sadness.. but Ive tried to keep my mind occupied. I want to nap desperately. But another of my assignments is to avoid doing so. It isnt healthy..and I have to be on a set routine of sorts. Im finding a bit hard to take my injections on a schedule. I try to stick to one as much as possible.. but Im tired of the soreness. I know it is imperative that I take them. I know that If I dont there are serious health risks. But DAMN, I am tired of poking holes in my body! (At least the ones that dont look cute) lol I want to work on my sleeve so badly.. but no tattooing for now. I have to get my blood levels in check before It is safe to do so. It just sucks. Having a mental illness is difficult enough, I hate the added complexity of physical diseases! Gotta stay alive though.. so I try to be a good girl and do what im told.. even if it pisses me off. Maybe its just my brain. lol I have to laugh at myself.. if I dont I will cry. Its so damn insane. It is. I will always have something to complain about … even though I annoy myself with the bitching. Another reason I have few friends. I dont like to inflict my rollercoaster upon others. Maybe I can just rent someone a few days a week. Dont have to get to know them.. they just have to sit here with me so that I feel less isolated. Then, they can leave and never come back and I wont feel any sense of loss. Okay, Ive commenced to rambling now. Must stop myself before I REALLY get lost in a cloud of nonsense. Anyway, so yeah…. I hope this suffices as a first journal entry. If not… fuck it. I dont know what the hell Im doing.. But Im trying nonetheless.
Current mood: annoyed.