It's 3 a.m. and I'm awake again. In the distance some confused rooster is crowing and hound dogs are howling. Nice to know I'm not the only one with insomnia tonight.
I'm having a hard time lately. My memory is shot, I have no motivation for anything and I've been crying. I have been showering almost daily (my husband coerces me into it), but I haven't washed my hair in I don't know how long…When I run my fingers through it it feels oily, heavy and tangled. I just can't seem to put the effort in. Soon my husband will do it for me if I don't do something about it. During a shower he'll end up sneaking shampoo onto my hair and I'll actually enjoy it some. I've always loved the feel of someone else washing my hair for me. I made myself shave my legs yesterday, so I was proud of that. Such small things but important anyhow.
The anxiety that the Cogentin quelled is back and gaining strength. Now that I'moffof it I'm not having side effects anymore, but I'm not sure if it's worth the trade. I need to make another appointment with my doctor to see ifthere's something similarthat I can take.I
I want some fresh-brewed, hot coffee but I have to wait because I just started the coffee maker.
I actually got a lotdone yesterday. It was a kind of test for me ~ I made myself do the dishes, take care of the animals, vacuum, and various other small tasks. It took me a lot longer than it should have (memory problems and depression), but I did get those things done. But the sad thing was that even when I was finished the pall over me hadn't abated at all. I sat down and wept because I didn't feel any better about myself after doing it. The panic started to build and I began pacing the living room which only made things worse. I finally laid down and tried to do some controlled breathing to calm me. After awhile I slipped into sleep unintentionally, but it helped. My son came home from school shortly after that so I had plenty of help being occupied.
There was a little bit of silliness to my day, which made me feel better. I had told my son Zachary that if he got on good colors all week long at school (behavioral) then I would allow him to paint my face any way he wanted with facial crayons leftover from Halloween. He was so excited and his laughter was contagious. In the end I ended up painting his face too. I turned him into a raccoon. I think I still have purple and blue eyebrows because I couldn't get allofit to come off.
Sometimes it's the smallest things that mean the most.
I want to go back to bed, but I'm afraid I'll keep wakingmy husband up with my tossing and turning. It's not fair for him to have to deal with my insomnia too. I'm thinking that maybe I'll watch a movie or see what's on late night t.v., if anything. I just have to remind myself I can't eat. I'm still gaining weight from the Abilify and the cravings it causes. I need to exercise but I feel weird about walking or biking alone. Maybe I'll just put on my headphones and my MP3 player and immerse myself in the music while I exercise.
I guess that's it from me. I could ramble on all night but I don't want to do that so I'm going to go find something else to do.