I've always felt like people never liked me much but i've always kept it to myself. My whole life people would tell me how beautiful and smart they think I am but nobody ever gave me a reason to believe it. In high school I noticed a pattern in the way people interacted with me. Girls would try to control me and only keep me around as their little sidekick and boys would tell people that they liked me and they thought I was pretty but would never speak to me or have anything to do with me. So when a guy actually asked me out I would say yes even though I didn't like him because I thought he was different and actually liked me not just my 'rack'. That never turned out to be true though. I don't have many friends either and in the true definition of the word 'friend' I have none. I'm never in anyone's funny facebook pictures or part of anyone's 'gang'. I'm always the friend that just isn't around during that fun night. The friends that I have now aren't my true friends they're all male and don't include me in group activities they're all trying to 'get with me'. The most painful thing is when they all come pick me up from work, drop me off at home and then I see one of them update their fb saying "The whole gang is together tonight gonna be fun". I thought I was part of their gang but apparently not and my fantasy of having friends has been shown for what it really is just more people giving me a false sense without actually caring. Tonight I finally let myself say it out loud 'I'm so lonely, I just can't cope anymore" and I just broke down the tear wouldn't stop. I always try to keep a narcissistic front so people believe they can't hurt me but somehow they still do over and over again.