Books to read:
"I thought it was just me (but it isn\'t)" – Brene` Brown
"Boundaries: When to say yes and how to say no" – Henry Cloud
Shame [sheym] -noun. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another:
She was overcome with SHAME.
Note from the Patient (Me): Below and in the blogs to follow, I will be bearing my soul. I am sharing my journal which I have been writing through my process of therapy after breaking down and needing to take a month off work for my anxiety problem. After many years of working in call centers, not being good enough EVER, and compiling that on my already existing issues from growing up in a religious household with a mother with narccistic tendencies leaning towards Borderline Personality Disorder. These first few entries don\'t have dates. However, my therapy had started in October 2010, and I bought the diary sometime in January 2011.
When I was in highschool, I was feeling very alone. I felt this way a lot. I felt very muchas though I didn\'t belong at home, at church, and at school. I was very hard on myself about sharing my feelings with anyone, even my closest friends; for fear of becoming a burden.
One time, when I was feeling particularly depressed and alone, I wrote a letter to my mother explaining how alone and out of place I felt. I realize now that I was hoping for reassurance that I was loved, valued, and an important part of my family. Unfortunately, the response I got when she read the letter was no at all what I had expected; least of all, hoped for. My mother got home and read my letter, and I was upstairs in my room. I had left the lettter on her pillow. It is strange for me to think about how afraid I was of being open with how low I was feeling, and sad that my fears were justified by her reaction.
She wailed. Not just cried, but bawled, wailed, and slammed the door to her room. I came running down the stairs, afraid some horrific thing had happened. Instead of real crisis, I was greeted by one of my brother\'s accusation of: "What did you do this time?" My initial reaction was just shock and then pain. I hadn\'t been able to recall anything I could have wrong, let alone some action to justify this severe of a reaction. Next, I recalled the letter I written and left for her earlier.
When speaking about this incident in therapy and being told how it appears I must have been the scapegoat atleast sometimes in my family, receiving blame that wasn\'t mine to own. This reminds me of many times being severely depressed, thinking that everything was my fault, and feeling guilty, like a giant burden to my family just for being different. Many time, I had contemplated killing myself, but didn\'t try because I didn\'t want to cause my family and friends any more pain. Mostly, my concern was my friends because they are the only ones who were accepting of who I was; being a little strange with a dark and perverted sense of humor, but generally, a good person and loving friend.
The internal pain and rejection from my family and a manipulative boyfriend, at the time, led me to look for some kind of release from the pain I felt inside. I would end up cutting myself on my arms and legs; most of the time, while crying in the shower, crying from the pain I felt inside. I was able to stop cyring, once the blood started flowing. Somehow, I would find peace.