This entry was from about a month and a half ago…
Today I was trying to recall a memory that was positive, where I felt proud, and had really accomplished something. I started to recall the one time I had a piano competition after years of lessons. I had practived long and hard to make sure that I would perform well, and I did! I had receiveda perfect score of 5, but I was alone. My piano teacher was there, but no one from my family was there for me. I had gone from being happy remembering this moment from my passed to crying and unable to speak about the situation for atleast a few minutes.
The reason this ended up being such a big deal for me to remember is that it happened all the time; being forgotten and not important enough to be there for. But this time, I finally won something and didn't have anyone I loved to share it with. I recall numerous times growing up where no one came to my events because of work, church events, or so many other excuses. This was really rough for me because I felt they made the effort to be there for my brothers' events, but couldn't make it to mine. This often was quite heartbreaking because I would then feel like I'm not an important person to my family. I wasn't valuded. I wasn't worth taking care of, worrying about, or remembering. I say remembering because I had a lof of after school activities and more often than not my mom would forget to pick me up. Even after I would call her to remind her to come get me; it would then take 30-60 minutes for her to come get me. The drive was only 10 minutes, so I also never felt that I was important enough to stop other things for her to come get me. Many, many days I would be the last one waiting for my ride. I think a lot of this is what led me to get into trouble in high school because I wanted attention. However, when they finally came to an event I resented them being there because they hadn't come because they wanted to be there for me because I had made such a big deal about it.
What I'm trying to deal with now is relearning things; I am worth taking care of, I am worth showing up for and supporting, and I know I'm worth these because I'm a good, caring, loving, and helpful person. I'm smart and am self-reliant. I am hard working with a good work ethic. I have strong personal morals and ethics. I go out of my way to help people/ people I love, as well as, stranger when I am capable of doing so. Even when I am having a hard day/week/month/year. I try not to drag other down, but I am willing to share with people to gain comfort and strength from their love and kindness for me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being weak when I'm struggling with my anxiety and everything life throws at me. Sometimes I feel like I'm lazy because I want to give myself time to relax when there's still work and cleaning and cooking to be done. This is not true because I work hard and rarely have the time to do things for myself because by the time that might come around (due to my work/sleep schedule) it's the middle of the night and everything is closed and most people are sleeping.