My mood is actually more terrified. I actually had a more productive good day again–besides the time I spent studying the cat health books, trying to figure out what's going on with a few of my cats, and, of course, freaking out about it. I'm scared to death. I wasn't so much earlier, but I knew I was going to go toward this anxiety, and I didn't want to. I'm so sick of it. I think it's seeing the footage of the tsunamis in Japan pushed me over the edge. I'm praying for the people affected by it constantly….

Anyway, as we're watching this, one of the cats throws up. I've been worried about her. So now I've got this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach–just like I did around the time one of the other cats died last year. That just sends me back to the horrible feelings I had back then. I want to hide away and pretend nothing is real. I feel like the world is falling apart, that the pets are all going to get sick and it's up to me to figure out what's wrong with them and if we should take them to the vet or not, because it seems like no one else will do it or pay enough attention. And I'm the one with the least money and I don't drive. Oh, yeah, and did I mention my anxiety disorder????!!!! I can't stand to even think about this sort of stuff. And yet here I am thinking about it. Can't God just heal all of the pets of any of their illnesses? Just this once? I am too broken to handle any of this. Hasn't our family been through enough lately? I'm just scared to death and I'm so tired of it. I hate fear. Every time the fear gets thisbad I just feel like stabbing myself. Don't worry; Iwon't do it. But it's like this thing of feeling I need torelievepressure…which is why Ihave the thought of stabbing myself in the stomach.

But the truth is I don't want to be dead and if I stabbed myself that's where I'd be…. So that idea's out. If only I knew what I cando that wouldhelp….


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