So today’s my last day of work for like a week! I’m super excited. I actually get 10 days off all together if you count weekends (which I do). I just hope that it doesn’t go screaming past. I truly need this break, I need to self evaluate and decide where the path shall take me from here. I desperately despise my job. I want a new one. But at the same time I hope for changing of the better at the one I’m at. I like that its close to my house and that it’s 8-5. I know I’m just afraid of change. I’m afraid of making the wrong choice. So is the right choice to avoid change or to branch out, find new surroundings. I’m only going to be 23 in about 35 days so I need to act. I need to make choice. I need to push aside this fear of failing and go for it. If I fall down I know how to stand up. I’ve been pushed down a lot by others or my own fear and I’ve stood up on my own, brushed off my pants and continued on my way. I deserve a better work environment. I know I do. The only way to truly better myself is by going back to school. The topic that scares me, for multiple reasons. It scares me to think about going, being around all those people I don’t know, learning something I don’t know and potentially failing. It scares me to think of NOT going, not finishing my goal to complete college. I’ve got fear in both hands and I need to put it in a casket and just let that shit die! But the first step is always the hardest and that first step always is shaky. I quiver at the thought of not making it. Of failing. Of proving to myself I’m not as smart as I once thought I was. I am in a rut of repetitiveness and need to break out of this merry-go-round routine I’ve become so accustomed to. So back to my ‘whoo hoo-ness’…I’m going to Costa Rica for a week for a friends wedding. I’m so nervous about going, leaving Hannah (my dog if u don’t know) for that long and being out of the country. This will be the first time. I know it will be fine once I get on my way, but all this overthinking of all the possible things that could go wrong are consuming. Again I need to drop it, let it shrivel and die on the floor behind me. I need to let go. Fear is all that is really holding me back from so many things. If I could overtake the fear and push past it I think I could do so much more. My anxiety is stemmed probably from the fear and the worry. My paranoid thoughts come from fear of things ‘could go wrong’. How do you shake fear? At the end of the day there is so much to fear about this life. Our world is crashing down around us and we all just stand with a blind eye. We don’t see that we are killing our earth and eachother. I have so much to be afraid for I feel. But if I don’t live, what is my life? This life isn’t worth truly living if I don’t actually live. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating jumping to possibly save my own life or lingering to die a slow and painful death. Each is scary, each is petrifying. Jump, don’t jump?

1 Comment
  1. nelson 14 years ago

    your words epitomize hope because deep in your content i sense  change but the  physical features of fearis a bedevilling stumblingblock in your life.i want you to seek for a mentor that is somebody who you adore and who have weathered the storm of life for wisdom because with a mentor in your life fear will run as fast as it can to make you become the successful queeen that you are  already turning to be.

     I wish to see you conquer that mythological fear that is trying to deceive you from succeeding

    0 kudos

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