Well today was oddly depressing. Usually my days are just emotionless blurs with the occasional showering of anger, despair and hopelessness. Today though was like seeing into the future and realizing that your life means nothing. Oh wait, it doesn't mean anything. ANYWHO! I was pretty okay aside from the fact I had to wake up and go to work. One of my co-worker like friend people came by because we were supposed to hang out but I had forgotten about work. I was feeling pretty okay just shooting the shit and everything and then I get my pay check and for the last week or two I'd been really expecting a lot more than my usual pathetic pay because I'd worked Thanksgiving and etc. but no it was less than my last pay check and it just crushed me. Just made me realize how seriously shitty my situation is. I screwed around in high school, I let my depression eat away at me and reduce me to a could-care-less-nobody. I must've really thought that a) everything would work out in the end because I watched too many television shows and movies or b) I'd just end up killing myself so none of it would matter anyway. But here I am working as a movie theater usher where no one respects me or thinks I'm worth shit except the people who are also disrespected and treated like crap. I've been there a year and barely realized it had even been that long.
A year back I tried doing the good thing and going back to school after stopping community college. So I enrolled in an online school and did that for a whole semester till that got too much to deal with and now I owe a good 5,000 dollars when I can barely get myself to save 300 much less make that much. The fun threatening letters from the debt collectors are always fun. I really don't care though. What can they do to me? Make me more miserable? Oh no!! Like they would really give a fuck if I died. All they care about is money. They don't care who gets an education or who works themself into a hole and kills themself out of desperation for an escape from monotony and worthlessness.
Anyway, my big fuck up today was toward the end of my shift. My co-workers ended up waiting around for me till I got off so we could go play pool or whatever it is they had planned. I had kept dropping hints, "Hey go ahead and go without me I'll meet up with you when I'm done here." But no they didn't listen. "Hey I have to pick up some medicine after work and do some errands so it might be awhile." Yet again not listening. So I'm pretty set on just going home and waiting for my boyfriend to come over and I do something pretty stupid. I clock out and go out the back door and to my car so they don't see me. I ignore their call and now I get the fun job of waiting to deal with their crap about how horrible I am after they waited so long. One aspect of myself I kind of amusing is my knack for lying and making up stories. I think its because i was an only child and never had friends over when I was younger so I had to make up a bunch of different lives for myself. For quite a few years I actually had this whole other imaginary family that i was apart of. A whole bunch of brothers and sisters and some of my real friends actually joined for awhile. In my mind I still play it out when I'm going to sleep or doing something monotonous. I just play out all their different parts, just like this on going family drama in my mind. Now back to my point! I guess what I'm saying is that instead of being like "yeah guys I'm lame and i bailed because I have a lot of mental issues and i'm a spineless freak." I could play it off more seriously, like the medicine i was going to pick up are for my mental condtion which causes me to slip into deep dark mood swings or something and only tell one of them so it makes it sound like I'm trying to play it normal so they're like "omg i'm so sorry, I hpe your ok." blah blah blah. It's better than the alternative. Plus I figure at this point, who cares about lying? I'm making my life more interesting. I'm painting the picture the way I want it. These people don't know me and chances are we won't be friends forever, psh what is that anyways? I've been doing this my whole life so I just decided this very second I might as well use it to my advantage. I actually feel a lot better now tha tI've said that. hahah weird. Yet I'm still poor and living at home but at least my pseudo friends won't "hate me". Although, do i wish they would? Nah, too much negative emotions directed at me are bad. Neutrality I can do but hate just makes me vengeful. Now that I've rambled I feel better. I think this whole stop caring thing is actually starting to kick in. I hated posting blogs because they felt so stupid afterwards and I'd end up deleting everything I wrote.
Well at least I've improve a tiny bit. Before I was dead set that any help of the professional nature would just do nothing but waste time and money but I'm kind of curious to talk to a professional and have them analyze my mind. And give me some meds and see if that actually helps me. Can antidepressants actually help someone who realizes the futility of life? Maybe.