First I want to say I’m sorry for anyone who reads this and gets upset, I’m just trying to clear all the stuff out of my mind and try to figure out things.  I am so tired of being used, hurt, taken advantage of, humiliated and abused.  I hate being all alone, but i don’t trust people, so I prefer being alone.  I even called a suicide hotline, they were busy.  So, I figured why not go where it all began, where the first person who offered to help me, just ended up helping themself. Made me believe he was helping me, even when I was feeling worser and worser about myself, he said it will be ok, god is looking out for you.  I hate people.  So, here goes…

Well, I tried again, failed again…I won’t say where, cuz of cops and
shit…but I tried to kill myself again, bunch of pills and alcohol, I cut and bled all
over, felt so good…I laid down to sleep and die, but woke up in a few
hours, sick as shit. After I finished puking, I drank some more, went
back to sleep, hoping I could just die.. A bunch of hours later, I woke up, major pissed, but
also major horny. So I masturbated. After, I felt so calm, relaxed and at peace.
I loved the mess I made,
vomit and blood, so fitting.. so I got up, left the mess and since I knew where all the cleaning
supplies were, I poured bleach, Drano, Ajax ammonia, all kinds of
cleaning stuff all over the mess so they will have probs getting any dna
and the carpet and floor and all that well, it will look nice and clean
I’m sure, and then, I went home. … I was tempted to leave my note, but then, I figured they would be able to find me and I’m sure I would get in trouble, never these guys…they always get away with things. 
I have tried suicide a bunch of
times and never did I feel horny after. Is this normal? Is god finally going to be nice and just let me die?