First I want to say I’m sorry for anyone who reads this and gets upset, I’m just trying to clear all the stuff out of my mind and try to figure out things.  I am so tired of being used, hurt, taken advantage of, humiliated and abused.  I hate being all alone, but i don’t trust people, so I prefer being alone.  I even called a suicide hotline, they were busy.  So, I figured why not go where it all began, where the first person who offered to help me, just ended up helping themself. Made me believe he was helping me, even when I was feeling worser and worser about myself, he said it will be ok, god is looking out for you.  I hate people.  So, here goes…

Well, I tried again, failed again…I won’t say where, cuz of cops and
shit…but I tried to kill myself again, bunch of pills and alcohol, I cut and bled all
over, felt so good…I laid down to sleep and die, but woke up in a few
hours, sick as shit. After I finished puking, I drank some more, went
back to sleep, hoping I could just die.. A bunch of hours later, I woke up, major pissed, but
also major horny. So I masturbated. After, I felt so calm, relaxed and at peace.
I loved the mess I made,
vomit and blood, so fitting.. so I got up, left the mess and since I knew where all the cleaning
supplies were, I poured bleach, Drano, Ajax ammonia, all kinds of
cleaning stuff all over the mess so they will have probs getting any dna
and the carpet and floor and all that well, it will look nice and clean
I’m sure, and then, I went home. … I was tempted to leave my note, but then, I figured they would be able to find me and I’m sure I would get in trouble, never these guys…they always get away with things. 
I have tried suicide a bunch of
times and never did I feel horny after. Is this normal? Is god finally going to be nice and just let me die?

7 Comments
  1. bridgie101 5 years ago

    No heck no. You’ve trained yourself into a new kink. You’re doing this to yourself. You can’t blame this on God. This idiocy is all you.

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    • ennui79 5 years ago

      your the idiot for calling her one…

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    • Author
      ChelseaH 5 years ago

      Thank you for your support…it is comforting to know that god has chosen you to be his spokesperson….plus…god gave you the power to judge….that is soooo cool…. I always thought god had people on earth who were exempt from the bible’s teachings….I feel fortunate to have met one… maybe you can share your secret with everyone in this group, since you have no problems at all….

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  2. elf 5 years ago

    Chelsea,

    I am so sorry you want to die. I have wanted to die as well. I have never let myself get to a point of attempted suicide, as i have sought out help first. I can’t believe the hotline was busy! (Well, yes I can. It’s like trying to get into a shrink. There are too few of them and too many of us). But my point is, that really sucks. You tried to reach out and couldn’t get through. I am glad you did not die and have now reached out to some of us here.

    You seem to have had a rough life with no one to trust and turn to. Who can blame you for wanting to avoid people, when they hurt and abuse you? Give the suicide hotline another try, now, when you are not on the verge of hurting yourself. Or, go to an ER or doc or shrink. Tell them you are not going to commit suicide, but you are in danger of hurting yourself later if you do not get help now.

    No matter what people have told you in the past, you are valuable. You have worth. Even if you cannot think of a single person right now who cares if you live or die, there will be people who WILL care in the future. It seems so horrible and lonely, but it can and will get better if your depression is treated, like Free said. It is an illness. The difference with depression and other illnesses is that the depression itself makes you NOT want to fight it. People with cancer, liver or heart disease want to fight it. Depression takes away that will. So do not act on your emotions, act on the facts that it can be controlled and in some cases overcome, never to return. So please seek help.

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    • Author
      ChelseaH 5 years ago

      Wow….thank you…. I’m sorry you have been hurting too… life shouldnt be this painful.

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      • elf 5 years ago

        No, life should not be this painful. But it is for some. Glad you have responded. It tells me you are trying and maybe making progress. (Ignore the stupid comment. It is inappropriate and you could report it. Also, since it is your blog, you ought to be able to delete it).

        Keep fighting. Find help so you can not just live life, but enjoy it as well. (By the way, I just stumbled across your response to my comment. The Tribe did not notify me or alert me, whatever they want to call it. I thought they would have fixed that with the new site. Just knwo that when you respond to a response, that person does not know it. You need to either private message them or tag them with @theirname, I’ll try with you and see if you get a notification) @ChelseaH

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  3. ennui79 5 years ago

    NOTHING WAS EVER YOUR FAULT! I hope you can get some help!

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