She changed her Facebook relationship status to single at some point Friday. I don't know when but I happened to notice I was "In a relationship". Earlier in the day I decided to hold onto what she said – that "if it was just about dating it would be different, but it's not". From what I gather I'm fighting against her dad, and he's had her ear since he adopted her. She's always been closer to him than her mom and they had a messy divorce so they don't even talk. Her mom is on my side since she introduced us and thinks we're a great couple but even she said she can't compete with him. He liked me in the beginning but we never really talked much. She would spend most of her free time here at night if he was willing to take care of her dog. I don't know what he's said but it's obviously had an impact on her thoughts since we last spoke for a few minutes Wednesday evening. I'm not contacting her until she gets in touch with me or I see her on the 4th so maybe this will get sorted out on it's own.
I am not giving up though, there's too much at stake for both us and our child. She had feelings for me before and I love her now, we can't effectively raise our child if we're not together, and the biggest one of them all – what kind of signal are we sending if we're split up?? Too many kids are being raised by single parents because the parents refused to work out their differences. Instead of fighting to stay together, they just take the easy road and bail. If you love each other then fight. It's not easy being 2 separate human beings living in the same place but if you recognize the flaws in your partner and work together to manage them it makes life easier. I often see elderly folks bicker and complain with their spouse but they're still together and still love each other.
Thanks to her mom giving me occasional tidbits of info today I guess she's hung up on something I said a few weeks ago during my nasty negative streak: "I honestly don't know if I will ever love you.". Now that by itself sounds cold, harsh, and uncaring so hear me out before you go nuts. My view of it was we'd only known each other for about a month. We started dating November 9th and I probably said that the beginning or middle of December (we found out she was pregnant on the 6th I believe). I have always planned from the beginning of this pregnancy to be by her side as a minimum of boyfriendand girlfriend, a couple. We knew we weren't going to get married based on having a kid so it would just be love that would bring us together in matrimony. With the short amount of time we'd actually spent dating then being thrust into this position as a father I didn't have any time to adjust or develop any feelings for her beyond being my girlfriend. At that point I really didn't know if I would develop more intense feelings. From what I've heard and read about Asperger'swe tend to say what's on our mind or thoughts without the use of a filter like "normal" people do. Now that she's gone and I feel the emptiness she left I now know that I do love her, I just have no way of proving it to her. I keep thinking about the 4th but so much time will pass between now and then and I don't know how much more damage will be done by us not talking or seeing each other. If she knew why things happened the way they did and how I feel now it might help her change her mind.
I know I keep repeating some of the same things in my blogs but I type from the heart so a lot gets repeated. I've found I don't think clearly when I'm hurting and I often do stupid things like sending texts to the woman you love letting her know you're thinking of her and will be ready when she wants to talk, but sometimes that last text may be the one that pushes her over the edge because it caught her at the wrong time or while in the wrong mood. I updated my status on Facebook letting everyone know we are taking a break with the hope that she reads the whole thing, and maybe some of the comments made by the people that know me, know I'm not normally a mean hurtful person, and that I do have some quirks that explain what happened.
"We are taking a break for a while. A lot has happened very fast in a very short amount of time. She has a lot on her mind right now with the baby and dealing with stuff I said a few weeks ago. We may make it through this, we may not. I'm hoping we can give the relationship another try after some time apart and take things slow this time. We already know what's waiting for us at the end so there's no rush. We have 7 months to play with 🙂 I told her I'm not going anywhere and that I'll still be here waiting when she's ready."
I hope she reads it, understands it, accepts it, and remembers it while we are apart.
I love you Natasha, and I'm not giving up on us. I'll be here waiting for you when you are ready.