I honestly don’t know what to write but I just felt like I needed to get something out in some way, shape or form. 
No real updates on my end. After a lot of back and forth calls I was finally put on a 3 month waiting list for an OCD program. 
It costs $5,2500.00 for three weeks, outpatient. 
I have $400.00 in my checking account so the help I need is only at a cost. 
My sister’s wedding is in October and it’s 4 hours away from where I am. I tried to do ERP for the highway and it started off okay but I had a panic attack on Tuesday and have just been hit with a setback. 
It’s the feeling of being on a ride that you can’t get off of. It’s that neverending lose of control. I think “I’m trapped in a car and I’m trapped on a highway.” 
My thoughts are horrible and I have to hold onto the door and I honestly felt like pulling the emergency brake. It was such a scary intrusive thought. 
I just wanted the pain to stop. 
So now my parents are talking about having someone babysit me. 
I’m 32 and feel so ashamed and embarassed about 1.) missing my sisters wedding and 2.) having to be babysat
I sit in my bed and think “How did my life become this?” 
I’m trying so incredibly hard not to be negative about this. To look at it logically. I know that thinking positively and aiming for success is what is key. But I’m also in withdrawal and it feels like it’s twice as hard to do. 
This Luvox has been nothing but a nightmare for me from day 1. I have talked to people who love it and I’m so glad it works for them but I can’t work with the side effects. Especially the insomnia and dry mouth.
I was on 125mg and then 100mg to 75mg and now I’m at 62.5mg.
I have no motivation to do anything and I feel like just breaking down. I’m trying to listen to really happy, upbeat music. 
I think I may up my Depakote because I’m just so sad. 
I hope that wherever you are in your life and in your day that you are doing well. 
M
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