I know it\'s been an UNBELIEVABLY long time since i last posted a blog or a post of any description on this website, but this is one of those exceptional moments for me where I\'m just so utterly sick-to-fucking death of my issues that I can\'t help but get it out in some form or another.

I have no confidence, literally none. Absolute zero. Turn the clock back about 6 and a half years, and things weren\'t so bad. I was gradually going from strength to strenght, and it seemed like nothing could go wrong. Then I meet what I can only describe as the living embodiment of Satan himself (My ex Girlfriend). I don\'t know how, but somehow she managed to convince me that I\'m nothing. That nothing I do is any good, that everything I say is wrong, and everything about me is worthless. Somehow this person managed to convince me of these things, and that everybody else would agree with her if she had the chance to explain to them exactly why nothing I do is any good, everything I say is wrong, and why everything about me is worthless. You\'d have thought by now (Nearly 6 and a half years later) that I\'d have managed to get rid of thise mindset. But no, it\'s still there. Every bit as strong as it was then. It\'s with me, everyday, everywhereI go. Sometimes I feel as though I\'ve been possessed by a demon. Something that\'s got complete control over me, and that I can\'t get rid of, no matter what. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous beyond belief that I\'ve let someone have this psychological effect on me, and for such a long time. But I don\'t know. It just feels to me as though this person is SUCH an amazing manipulator she could convince ANYONE of ANYTHING. She was an extremely high flyer you see. She was an extraordinarily gifted artist. And it almost feels to me as though others would be so utterly charmed and awe struck by her, and her amazing gift, that they\'d automatically agree with her on all of the negative things she\'d have to say about me. I guess you could almost say it\'s that \'follow the leader\' mentality. You know?, like in High School. When there\'d be this one person who came across as so utterly charming, talented and amazing that everybody would just agree with everything they said

You don\'t need to tell me how truly and utterly fucked up that mentality is. Every single time I explain it to anyone, I know darn well just how completely ridiculous and insane it sounds. To have been effected like that by someone, and to have stayed effected like it for such a long time. But somehow, it\'s as though I just can\'t convince myself that I shouldn\'t feel like it. And I\'m getting to the point where I\'m seriously starting to ask myself how long I can keep \'trying\' to shake disease that doesn\'t seem like it has a cure. It\'s effected every single aspect of my life to no end. I go for weeks on end sometimes without talking to anyone, even the people closest to me unless I absolutely have to. Just because I get so utterly consumed with depression/angst/anger/frustration over this. A lot of the people I talk to eventually end up not bothering with me anymore. Because I go such a long time without talking to them, they think I either don\'t really like them/can\'t be bothered talking to them. Or they end up losing interest in me, because I\'m hardly ever there.

Grng, I wont write anymore, because I\'ll just end up depressing myself even more than I already have done (and anyone who\'s actually gotten to this part of the post without being made to feel like hanging themselves). It\'s probably full of typos and mistakes, but I don\'t want to read it back to be honest. For the same reason. I don\'t expect any replies. I know it\'s almost impossible to know how to answer something as truly fucked up as everything I\'ve just spent the last half an hour typing. I just needed to at least get it out. One way or another. I also don\'t want to sound as though I think I\'m somehow \'exceptionally hard done by\'. I know that a lot of people on this website have problems which effect them just as badly, and a lot even more so. I though I\'d clear that up just incase, because I HATE sounding as though I\'m some kind of \'special case\'. Basket case maybe, but not special case.

Anton

 

1 Comment
  1. Music 10 years ago

    Basket case, definitely : )

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