My roommate used to volunteer to counsel recovering addicts in a program. He has also had a lot of… well… troubled girl friends. So whenever I really need to, I can go to him with this obtuse problem and he can flip it around and point out something I never saw… it's very handy.

So earlier I sat down in his room, as we discussed some new ideas for the house. And I asked him about some not so sane behaviors I've been prone to lately, and he suggested writing a daily journal. Yeah, I know, they all say that.

But since this is a depression site, I will try, for the sake of trying, to journal… (Oprah word). I asked him "about what?" He says, "your feelings." omg…

This brings me back to the meme I posted of Albert Einstein on my facebook, that says something like when you have radical ideas, you have to keep them quiet, so they won't call you crazy… that's not it, but close enough… and I can't tell a joke to save my soul…

And I can write. I'm also a very good listener, and a very good talker as well. haha Just ask my roomie. But write about myself? My feelings? He suggested a private blog, just a wp program or something, but then I remembered something I found so wonderful about this site that helped me immensely about two years ago.

I was so naive I just thought everybody's blogs were open to the public. And I was astonished at the honesty I saw in everyone. It was sometime later after I had made some nice friends, that I found out that indeed there are ways to keep a private blog here, where you can say anything, journal, and nobody is the wiser. I just didn't like that. I thought the beauty was in facing yourself, revealing yourself, and being honest with others to learn that way.

So I will come here from time to time with the intention of making a "journal" entry about my "feelings" but be forewarned, I may talk about my gardening, or my pets, or my new bedroom reno, actually whole house reno – haha, and I may talk about some interesting topics "other" than being so stinkin' depressed all the time. Just know underneath all the Pollyanna ribbons lies a crazy white witch with blazing blue eyes like snowflakes, and more than a few tricks up her sleeve… 🙂

I mostly come here for my girlfriends.  I am a little older now, and I can talk to them straight.  I'm not a mom, so it works, sometimes.  I know from whence they come…   Also really enjoy telling people what is so cool about them, providing of course, I feel comfortable doing that… 

So there's my first daily journal of 4.11.13 where I face my social insecurities, trust issues and rescue complex…  all mixed in with a little obsession, depending on my current mood or mind-set.  But I have some tools, things I can work on for change, for self-improvement, plus I have at least 5 or 6 or more new books that are ready to read… ready to go…  so if I glean any useful or interesting info from them, I'll let you know that too. 

Oh, and just now I got to see the final product of a lot of dreaming/garden design come true.  It's just the prototype; plan was to have a whole long front porch with hanging baskets, but instead, I have one very nice one indeed, from a company that donates food for shelter animals when you buy from them.  I hung it up on the old swing set frame (very old – heavy) that is now free from swings and slide and is only there for me to hang plants from, away from the incessant leafcutter ants…. my arch nemesis…  And now on it is a very ornate and beautiful hanging basket, very colorful, nice metal work, with a huge very healthy cherry tomato plant in it now…   It's about two feet tall at the highest part, so I'm trying to tell it, relax…  you can rest down here… 

So how do I feel today?  Sad because I couldn't save an innocent dog from being put down even though I really tried, and I feel pretty good, because through all of this searching, researching and learning, I have become a little more tolerant, more open to ideas, and more accepting of things I cannot change.  But my back hurts like a big dog, and I need to be out there right now, still working….  maybe I'll just curl up on the big green adirondack chair, with some strong green tea and just be……   just be…..