Having a tough time. This summer was a bit of a nonstarter. There were a few bright spots–this past weekend, for one– but there were also weeks at a time when I felt terrible. I cannot catch a break here. I was all geared up at the beginning of June to make essential changes in my life, and wound up almost totally disabled for two months with the symptoms of an ovarian cyst. Oh yes, my very first ovarian cyst, only a few months after a breast lump that came up overnight. What the hell? I used to be insanely healthy, but these past two years have watched my health slide into the toilet. I just don't feel myself. Even this damn depression, which doesn't in any way feel like "me," but like some change that has gradually knitted itself around my brain and nerves, seems less the cause of my symptoms than the result of some underlying issue. All along, I've wondered if my hormones are off–I've got so many of the symptoms of perimenopause, even if I look about 28–and even brought this up with my gyn in March. "I don't do hormone tests," she said. "If you're getting your periods, your levels are probably where they need to be." A month later, that massive boob lump pops up; and a little over two months ago, this agonizing cyst. Two very tangible signs that things are not right in my body. I finally make an appointment with an endocrinologist, go in dressed in my best rational voice–"I am not crazy, I am not a hypochondriac, I am not looking for excuses. I am looking for a reason why over the past two years I've had minor health issue after minor health issue, and cannot seem to regain my health, vigor, or mental clarity despite my very best efforts." What'd the guy say? "If you're getting your periods, your levels are probably where they need to be." It's maddening. I mean, I have health insurance and I can't seem to find anyone willing to help me connect the dots. What do people without coverage do?
Anyway, I've more or less given up on allopathic medicine at this point. I've been trying to be active, eat well, stay away from booze, sugar, gluten, dairy, OTC meds, and coffee and black tea (even decaf). I did okay for awhile and finally started feeling better. But something in me is still so…dejected. Tired. Hopeless. "What's the point and what's the fucking use?" So yesterday I binged on garbage and today feel crazy. Lesson learned? maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I don't really want to feel well, feeling too fearful or too unworthy of the life I say I want.
I am one week away from finishing the first chapter of my dissertation–a solid, creative piece of work, I think–and I just cannot motivate to do this last bit. Instead, I am obsessing about terrible things that might happen. The eventual death of my my elderly parents has been swirling through my mind a lot lately. (Mum does not feel well but will not go to the doctor.) I'm such a fucking kid, still so dependent on them, financially and psychologically. And they're so dependent on one another. What will happen when one dies? How will the other survive? Will I be strong enough to be of any real comfort? Will the grief drive me over the edge? How will I deal when I am an orphan, without this house to come home to? How did I get to 37 with so little to show for my time on this here planet?
I am just so tired of feeling like I am doomed and powerless to change my situation. I have periods where I try, really try, and then it all collapses in on itself again. I feel too old to make my own security. How will this end?