So my project is in real trouble now. I can't seem to find any enthusiaism or motivation to do it anymore. Also, I'm sick and tired (quite literally actually) of being so frustrated with it that I get kept up at night by it.
The project feels like its going round and round in circles with no direction at all. All the problems that I've tried to bring up, in hopes that I would get some support to help solve them, have basically been pushed down by my supervisors. I don't really think its them being evil or whatever, I think they really do think that these aren't problems at all, which, I cannot understand why. To me, these are fundamental problems that if not solved, will threaten to undermine everything that we are working for.
Sigh. In any case, I have 2 years left and I really don't think I can get a thesis out of this project by then.
So then, what can I do? I can.. persist in this project, though I don't think that I really would [though I'm not ruling it out yet because I don't really want to make any hasty decisions]. I can look for other projects to do and change over… again, provided the university allows me to do so.. again. Or, I can simply just drop the idea of doing a PhD, and just go out to work to pay off my debts.
Some part of me wonders if its me that is the problem, and that I'm just simply not fated to do a PhD. Its not a problem for me if that's the way its suppose to be, but… I still feel that it would be a waste if I don't do a PhD. In case any of you are wondering, I changed away from my first project because I lost a supervisor due to the uni closing down a school and basically giving everyone in the school the "tap on the shoulder".
I should say however, that this project is not what I would usually do. I was desperate at that time, I hadn't started on medication yet and my anxiety was really high. In fact, I even went into a bit of a depression. So I kinda went into this project cause it was available and seemed straight-forward. … … Little did I know…
I guess, its time for me to rectify the mistake that I made and try to do something that will make me happy and passionate again. I do kinda feel like if I do drop this project that I've let myself and everyone down or have.. failed. But then again… I don't know.. I pretty sure that I won't really survive another 2 years of feeling like this.
Its scary and terrifying, but also quite exciting. Its interesting that I'm not as afraid as I expected now that I'm faced with a blank future.
I'm contacting people to see what options I have, and this time, I'm keeping ALL my options open and am going to take my time to seriously consider everything.
Hope you people are doing well