I hope that writing some of this down helps me.
I am in college and i support my mom and pay her rent. Whoop Whoop. Did i mention im depressed?
When i was only 7 my dad cheated on my mom with her best friend. Traumatic right? i grew up thinking that if i wasnt perfect he would abandon me and never talk to me again like he did with all his other kids.
10 Years later i have an amazing little brother who i love more than anyone and an amazing stepdad. But as things go, after 10 years of my mom being with my step dad, he cheats on her, gives her herpies and leaves us. Wow twice in a row, it must be my fault ? i know its not but hey depression doesnt have to make sense. But i know its not. He even had the audacity to sit me down and say hes leaving my mom because shes fat and doesnt do her makeup ? of course thats what you want to hear from the man who raised you. Great.
Now lets go back to the whole dad thing. My step mom, yea i hated her for years. But after like 15 years you learn to relove someone. What a mistake. She left my dad, stole his money, and dropped off the planet. Havent heard from her since. I shouldve known she wasnt any good but what can i do. Now im sad she left greattt. Did i mention the thing with my step mom and step dad hapend at the same time?
Now the consequences. My mom hit depression and stopped working. Therefor i got a job and have been responsible for all the bills. That was very tough for me as a college student. I hit depression gained 60 pounds in 3 months, which obviously killed my confidence. The worst part i stopped caring about school, i did terrible and worked instead of going to school, i mean i had to.
And my father, the one i was scared to lose contact with. He turned out to not be all that i expected. He turned out racist and sexist. lets not mention how he thinks women destroyed everything? Um as the women helping him get his shit together that hurt.
Lets not even mention the toxic relationship i was in. I was with my first love, he cheated on me. I kind of thought i deserved it? i mean thats how relationships seem to go around me. Regardless he cheated on me and i begged him to still be my friend. During this time he would tell me about all the other girls he was talking to while taking advantage of me and fucking me. I would be crying while we fucked and he didnt care. And i mean i didnt think i deserved better so.
Now because of this i dont trust people. and i make sure to push those i care about away. I mean if they are ganna leave my life regardless atleast not let it be so painful right? But now im here with no friends or anyone who genuinely cares about me. Its lonely and tough. But everytime i get close to someone i push them away wothout even realizing.
Now i clearly need help. but i dont have insurance and im broke. and plus hispanic parents dont believe in mental health as a real thing.