I had another dream last night. Always the same, always the same. I know logically it is simply my subconscious dealing with certain things that hurt me. I do my very best not to dwell on these dreams either, but inevitably they always have an effect on my mood for the next few days. First comes the sadness from the dream itself. The constant pushing to the back of my mind, trying to forget the awful images and words. Then comes the fear. Fear of sleeping because there is always that chance another will occur. The paniky feeling that engulfs me when I feel so tired I can barely function, but am too terrified to allow myself sleep. I find myself needed more energy drinks and caffeine pills to get me through the day.
I've been bothered deeply by the events on DT as of late. Hurtful comments, disrepectful behaviour; downright petty bullying. And I don't understand it, because we are all here for the same reason – support. We all came here looking for help, looking for others to connect with that could (and do) understand the internal torment we suffer on a daily basis. Should we make close friends from our coming here, then that's a bonus and we should keep these friends close, and let nothing come between us. We should be honest with one another, rather than speaking behind people's backs. We should at least be honest if we choose to stop speaking to someone that a few days ago we were friendly with. I understand that as sufferers of depression, many of us have short fuses, tempers that flair easily. But the least we could do is treat each other here with a little bit of respect – we are, after all, all suffering. Some more than others. But how much, or how little, should be irrelevant.
I've lost alot of very important people in my life. I've lost friends that I thought would be friends forever. Not through my own doing – but through the hurtful words and spiteful behaviour of others. Jealousy is an incredibly destructive emotion.
Last weekend, I realised someone was not who I thought they were. They became mean, and hurtful, all because of jealousy. This person could not handle me giving my attention to another. And in the process, he also ruined his friendship with somebody else within the friendship group. So now I feel torn – stuck in the middle because they are both equally important to me as friends, but clearly cannot be friends with each other. There is alot more to it that I say here, but for my own reasons I won't venture into any detailed explanation.
Needless to say, I find myself sat here once again missing the old times, missing the group of friends with which I had never before laughed so hard, felt so close to so many people at once. I miss the good times and the bad times, I miss the constant barrage of visitors, the spontaneous parties; the knowledge that I meant something to the people that meant so much to me.
I'll end here. I apologise for the length of this blog – and for the multiple subject change. I guess I had alot to get off my chest today. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading