The past 5 times I got high, I confided in someone that I have a problem and I want to stop so badly. That told me something…even while on cloud nine, it's not enough anymore. It's not working.
I get prescribed Tramodol for pain (Headaches and constant knots in my back from anxiety), and xanax for anxiety (I get panic attacks and my heartrate is always high from anxiety) which I always go through way before I should. I also buy Percocet, Norcos and Soma from a girl I graduated HS withh. I know my first step is to stop buying on the street the more serious drugs, but I want to quit it all. I confided in my mom about the Tramadol (we have a rocky relationship and if she knew I bought on the street she would just die). She took it well, bought me fruit, natural supplements to help me get through it, etc. It's been a week and I've had slip ups, I know it's part of recovery but the guilt, the remorse that feeling is just awful. I've tried cutting my Tramodol down but that hasn't happened. I broke today and bought Percocet and Soma and here I am, admitting to the world that I have a problem, again. It hasn't kicked in yet but I need to get all of this out.
The support has been amazing and nwo that I've told people I don't want to let them down. They've been super encouraging. I told my boyfriend (whom has known all along) his mother (whom has been a complete inspiration to me) and she has told her Bible study ladies to pray, family to pray, and everyone is in my corner. God has sent me signs, I know I have everyone looking out for me but the withdrawal, I don't feel strong enough. Before today the last time I had Percocet was maybe a week? But of course I had Somas, Xanax and Skelalxin.
I can't quit cold turkey, I just can't. My plan is to cut the Percocet (which I failed today) and then the tramadol and then work on the muscle relaxers and xanax) I have cut down a decent amount…but not enough. Then again I just started. This is the first time ever I want to be done, I don't want to rely on pills. It's not working.
I feel ashamed, guilty, embarassed…and don't want to be an addict the rest of my life. I hate this so much. The feeling inside if I go 12 hours without something is unthinkable. I just feel so empty. I've been trying to read the bible, or books that have bible inspirations…I've been praying and praying. I have people praying for me…I need to get through this. My life depends on it.
My boyfriend of 5 years is suffering with me, not as bad, but he feels helpless because we all know that the only person that can truely help is ourselves. I have the wisdom…I just don't know if I have the strength. But this addiction is preventing us from moving in together, getting engaged, getting married and starting a life. I can't be a good wife or mother with these pills. I can't.
God gave me a work from home job…I firmly believe God gave it to me because it helps so much with this withdrawal. Working my own times, it's perfect for me and I love it. It doesn't have health benefits, but hopefully if I can kick this addiction I can get married to the absolute love of my life, and be on his insurance. The only thing I'm scared of is my headaches and backaches. I've struggled since puberty been to countless doctors, neurologists, chiropractors, internists, MRIs, CTs….everything is "normal". The only thing that works is pain pills and muscle relaxers and that's how it got started. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I just pray God takes them away…or finds a solution for me. I have so many things I want to do with my life but the addiction and pain is dibilitating me.
I prayed for God to give me the strength to want to quit on my own. He did. I pray he helps me get through this. Not let my family down, not let myself down. But I did today. I'm so disappointed.
It sounds stupid, but I watch a lot of TV and one show is Nurse Jackie. For those of you who don't know it, it's about a nurse addicted to pain pills and she finally checked herself into rehab and has been doing great. It motivated me. I think that was kind of the kick in the ass so to speak. Not to mention the pills, it's just not working anymore. It's a cycle….a vicious cycle…But I'm weak. So weak.
Forgive the typos, I can't seem to find spell check on here and I've never been the best speller…plus I typed this pretty fast…
Love to all….if praying is your thing, please…please pray for me. If it isn't…positive vibes please. I ened strength. I know once I get through this I'll be such a stronger person but I don't know how to get through it exactly with all the temptation. Is weening off of one drug at a time best? I know I need to go to meetings…but I'm too shy and embarassed so here are my meetings…..my confessions…my sharing.
I need you all.
Thank you for reading, if you made it through all of it.