things are changing.  ive been sitting in the house all day cleaning and waiting for the cable guy to show up.  i feel worthless.  thats how im going to spend my day off?  i had big plans to go to a meeting tonight, possibly three.  the first one starting in half an hour. that being the one i secretly want to miss.  i stopped going to meetings after being clean only forty some days.  i lost track after that and never went back.  i feel like i was going for the wrong reasons.  i was always doing it for someone else.  i needed to stop for some reason other then me.  personally i wasnt truly ready.  i wanted so badly to make people stop talking about me and my issues so i made it look good.  i did my time so to speak.  after awhile the questions about how i was doing, how long ive been clean, they stopped being asked.  i forgot to care.  life goes on.  but im beginning to feel restless, uneasy.  im not comfortable anymore.  something needs to change.  maybe its time to be honest with myself.  theres only so many times i can say im sorry.  someday you may not forgive me and when that day comes ill know i waited too long.  again though im scared of trying.  of making that clean start.  with nothing to hide behind, my lies dont seem as glamorous.  i was in a horrible mood last night and i pissed a lot of people off.  i havent been that hateful in awhile.  but i was a bitch and the worst part is when someone called me out on it i defended my additude by claiming i was entitled to it.  what is wrong with me
?  where do i get off… this does need to end.  i dont know why i keep fucking up but im going to work on stopping.  i need to work this out my own way.  the program isnt for me, im not knocking it in anyway i just dont think its the path im going to follow right now.  i have something else in mind.  


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