I am mourning the loss of my amazing father, who died Sunday, March 16th of a massive heart attack while hunting with my dog Hektor. I am somehow managing to stay clean, though how I'm doing it is a mystery to me.
I often feel alone in this, like no matter how many people are around me, I am an island of pain, suffering silently and completely alone. I know I have support, and all I have to do is reach out, but reaching out is so hard to do when all you want to do is curl up in bed and never leave your room. I'm having trouble attending classes, because I get overwhelmed with anxiety. I am so afraid; of what I'm not sure.
I'm meeting with my sponsor in an hour, and it's the last thing I want to do. But I know I need to- I'm having cravings as intense as when I first got clean. Heroin never really leaves you alone, it just lays low for a while and then springs up when you are in pain or feel alone or afraid. I want to use, but I will not allow myself to go there. If I use, I will be dead within a week, I know myself well enough to know that. It might not be from the dope directly- it would probably be at my own hand, a suicide plan that's lurked in the back of my mind for years, but that hardly ever sees the light of day.
I feel lost, and I don't know who I am anymore. I need help, and it's so hard to reach out. That telephone weighs a thousand pounds, and the numbers are too hard to press. I don't know how I managed to call my sponsor and ask for help today, maybe my Hgiher Power did it for me while I was on autopilot.
Anyways, I have to go over to my sponsor's house. I am so scared that I won't make it through this…