Hi,

I have read some of the blogs and Ireally feel the pain of all Ihave read!

But please just read my story I have never told it to anyone, my story is not as close to as bad as some of the blogs i've read but I know that it is getting bad my drug use and just by telling this story and getting feedback will really take a load of my back Iknow it because it has been bothering me for the past 2 years. so please just read and give feedback and advice. I will summarise it as short as possible.

My problem is of some of other sort; firstly i am currently 23 years of age and Iknow that Iam an addict I can feel it in my body the way I speak nowadays my moods and the fact that I am losing my feel for life with regards to my studies, friends and the one thing that hurts me the most my mother even the co-worker I take drugs with occasionaly says we are addictsI always thought he was joking until I realised I am one. I have never had interest in drugs, untill High School at the age of 16 I smoked weed for the first; of course thats were it all starts, but only now and then ( every few months ) until I was out of High School I was 19 and taking a gap year before Idecide what to study.

 

I obviously enjoyed my gapyear, staying out late havingfun with friends and meeting new people and girls. In my country legal age of drinking is 18 so I did drink alot but never excessive but smoking weed I did do but also not that much, but never did hard drugs ever cross my mind until that one opportunity came when I was just about a few months away from turning 20. In South-Africa there is this drug called "CAT" it is beter know around the world as "SPEED" but "CAT" has the energy properties of "SPEED" but with a strong high cocaine like feeling( if you take a big line of the powder ) and it must be snorted, the worst part of this drug is that it is fairly affordable at about $25 US per gram. The first time I took a line of "CAT" the line was really small to me eyes and the people I took it with were not bad people, we were just "naughty" as one would say. The effects of that line I did not feel just Iwas more awake than before took it.

 

After that Inever took it again but then I started meeting new people that gave me this feeling of being free and young and experimenting with life. To cut to the chase these were the wrong people!! If I only woke up then! I started hanging out with this group and with their other party groups, and thats were it all started.

 

I started using MDMA( ecstacy ) atclubs and smoking a lotof weed during the week because I was hanging out a lot with this crowd. The weed smoking habit of mine becamse so bad that Icould not function without smoking, it was strange to me Iknew Ihad to get my act together so Iactually managed to smokeless. But during all of this I was studying towards a bussiness degree I did well my first year but with the weed smoking and MDMA parties I failed my 2 year very badly! This hit me hard so Idecided to take a semester break before registering againfor 2nd year( universities work different in South-Africa ).

 

Thats were "CAT" became my drug of choice it starts by only using it once a month to once a weekend until 2,3,4,5 times a week! And what "CAT" does is bad rapid heart rates major sweating and uncontrolable talking and keeps you awake for days just from that one gram depending on the purity.

 

Besides this group, I hanged out with a lot my friends from school whom some also did "CAT" at times, but never abused it, so they knew were to draw the line but me having done more drugs than they, I didn't Iwanted to do more.

 

As I went on to study further Ifailed even harder not pitching for exams and not caring about the money wasted on University ( a total of $ 6000 US on fees and books that were never opened ). My mother asked me what was happening, I just said I am unsure about my study course and made stupid excuses. She had good feeling that I was on drugs but she just left it alone.

 

So I left University and just got a normal job at a Music Store selling CD's and computer games etc. It paid me like $ 400 a month horrible pay for long hours and me having this party habit and smoking sigarettes as well I was always broke at the end of the first week.

 

But with this drug habit of mine another addiction arose 2 in fact, this is hard to say but I have to. I became addicted to Pornography and Masturbation. this started happening last year and now it is out of control and damaging my mind and body I can notice by the way that I can not talk to woman without fantasising about how to have sex with her or if shewould do sexual favours to me like in Pornography. This led to me not being able to actually talk to women. And men having certain urgesI maturbated more and more and more and with all of the "CAT" I would take I had energy and could not sleep so in my boredom;awake at night I will masturbate up to 5 times a day.My body is feeling tired all the time, headaches, chest pains, kidney pains, weight loss and the worst of all my groin area is in pain. I am fearing that more addictions will arise maybe another drug or something I don't know

 

But my main reason why I had to seek help anonymously was because I dont have the courage to face my friends and family because they allthing I am this "good boy" if I told them I am developing a serious problem, it will break me to see their expressions and what they have to say. And looking on Facebook how all the people from my High School are done studying and all getting married is making feel like i have failed myself.And to see my mother cry will break me completely! we are a middel class family but my father dide when I was only 9 years old and it has been only me and her all these years.Worst of all I have not told her I love her in over 4 years. Nad all of these things happening is making feel depressed and not worthy.

 

I am going try my best to stop with everything at once at a slow pace but my main priority is getting rid of this drug habit!! I once was a child of God but I lost my faith along the way I will feel to ashamed to ask for forgiveness with regards towhat I am doing to his temple but I need to get my faith back but I am struggling and I don't know why.

 

Thats my story please any feedback and advice will be usefull and appreciated so that I can stop abusing my body, faith and life before it is too late.

 

 

 

1 Comment
  1. michaels_ward 8 years ago

    Franman, 

    I did read your story.  The feelings that you expressed are common with those of us affected by addiction. There is nothing shameful in it.  We're human.  We fall.  The true key is how we respond when we fall.  So, we fall.  We get up.  You have done that.  

    One thing that struck me, as I read your story, was your comment, "I once was a child of God, but I lost my faith along the way".  Just the mere action of humbly reaching out for help, suggests to me that you've kept your faith.  I believe that you are still that child of God.  

    Something else that you mentioned, that you feel "too ashamed to ask for forgiveness".  Well, again, you've expressed the desire to change.  In that case, I believe that forgiveness is already apon you.    I suppose that it's just a matter of letting it in, and letting go of the shame.  Again, we are human.  

    Your story shows a strength in character.  As the saying goes, "what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger".  You are stronger than you think.  You seem to be on the right path, and right where you need to be.  Stay strong.  I wish you peace.

    Sincerely, 

    A brother and a friend

     

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