I haven't written in here in what seems like forever. Continuing from my last blog post, my husband ended up coming home about 4 hours later and he brought me roses. It was so sweet of him and later that night we had a long talk about everything. Needless to say, things were okay for a couple days but things have gone back to normal (not really talking, touching, etc). But I think he understands me a little bit better and didn't judge me and was supportive of me.
I saw my new therapist yesterday. I think I overwhelmed him with everything I was saying. He laughed at me a couple times thinking I was joking about some stuff, but I was dead serious. *shugs* Don't know if I like him yet. I mean I like him, but I don't know if we will "click".
Then I had a doctor appointment today and had to fill out an application for volunteer work. All these things I had to do I was dragged basically kicking and screaming there. I did not want to do any of it because of my anxiety. And believe me my anxiety was horrible. Just panic attack after panic attack. Since coming home from that, I've been in bed hiding for the past 7 hours. Haven't moved from my bed, don't want to. I'm miserabely unhappy and have anxiety that won't let up.
Friday I have to sell Christmas trees outside from 6pm-9pm for volunteer work with a bunch of strangers. Uhh, HOW am I supposed to do this?? I can't be outside with my own husband without having a panic attack and I'm going to be dropped off there for 3 hours. Shit.
I won't even state the thoughts I'm thinking, they are ridiculous. I need someone to talk to, but I don't want to talk to anyone at the same time. Doesn't make much sense. Sigh.
I went through a severe agoraphobic bout several years ago. At one point I couldn\'t leave the house without my boyfriend either. Eventually I had to do something and decided it was volunteer work. It was scary as hell at first but in the end totally worth it. It has become a huge part of my life. Might not end up being that way for you, but interacting with people on a small level in a non-pressurized way really helps. My mistake was not truly talking about my past/thoughts/issues and that\'s why I\'m at where I am now. But you\'re taking the steps of doing both right now..talking to a therapist, sharing things here and with your husband, and about to put yourself around other people. These things aren\'t easy..be proud of yourself! Remember to take deep breaths, think good thoughts, of people you love and things you love. Carry or wear something comforting. Those strangers, they\'re human just like you, and everyone has their own issues. No one is perfect. You will be okay!
I know how you feel. Dealing with the same feelings myself. Breathe – the good thing is the anxiety will not kill us. Its hard to face it. DOnt stay in that room too long, that will add depression to the mix – which is as bad as the anxiety. Its so hard to get out and face everything – but it can be worse if you stop doing things and your friends or things you do begin to drop off or start to fade away – keep pressing forward. You are doing many of the right things so don\'t stop!
Wishing you the best. I am dealing with the same anxiety so praying for you.
Tim