I can’t sleep. I’m dreading tomorrow. My mind is going a mile a minute, even though I drank a cup of Kava Stress Relief tea. That tea used to put me right to sleep. Maybe I need something stronger. I am very frustrated with the state of things. The orange cones, the overly bright sun and the ugly dead trees, the cars without license plates, the dark shadows I see in everything, the feeling of utter hopelessness, I have no control over any of this. I am so exhausted, scared and annoyed. I really don’t know what to do anymore, and my mind feels wired. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax. I’m so full of despair because of how ugly the world looks to my eyes, I can’t see the beauty in anything. I am starved for beauty.

These are the things I think about when I can’t sleep at night. I am sure that typing into this computer isn’t helping me get sleepy. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. Everything looks so terrible to my eyes, it’s not just outside, but in here too. The dark shadows. I need a good therapist, but none of the therapists that I have reached out to have responded to me. I really enjoy typing, even if I can’t think of what to type about. I don’t know what I want to write about now, I just know I need to keep writing. I want my life to go back to normal! When will the world go back to being beautiful again? Today was the worst day I’ve ever had. I had the worst panic attack of my life, and the world looked more frightening than ever before. I’m so tired of this psychosis. I don’t get any relief from it. I’ve tried everything, medication, therapy, teas, herbs, supplements, exercise. Nothing helps, the world just gets creepier and darker every day.

I feel okay right now, which is partly why I can’t sleep. When I feel really good, I have energy. I don’t know what to do with that energy, though. I don’t have a job, I don’t have any children. I don’t have a purpose other than to love my husband. But I can’t think of things to look up on the internet, I don’t really have hobbies that I like to do. I used to be able to look up all kinds of things on the internet. I used to have interesting things to write about too, I don’t know why I don’t anymore, I just don’t. My mind is increasingly blank. I used to write about what I did and didn’t do, like how I didn’t shop at Walmart, or go to Starbucks, or McDonald’s. I used to write about my diet, and how I didn’t drink soda anymore. I used to write about what I did drink, such as tea, kombucha, water, coconut water, and juice only. But it seemed so much more interesting in the past, the way I used to write about it. Now it just looks lame. Ok, I’m going to try to sleep again.


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