Ok, my brother Just hooked me up with a new ipod which is a Samsung YP Q2.  Its totally cool and has pictures on it and everything and has a tap screen.  I remember when I last saw my brother when I had got out of the hospital, he came to see me and flew out from San Diego and hung out with me.  I feel bad Im not stronger for anyone, people see me and think I look fine but my body is really taking abeating from HIV….Its hard for me cause I portray that Im ok, but inside Im screaming…..Its a tough life but it was my fault having caught HIV.  This disease is a kiler no doubt it is the most wicked way of dieing slowly that I can ever imagine, worse than electric shock treatment, worse than any kind of  of disability I can imagine because it robs your sould, your strength and your feeling of well being….it is a horrible horrible disease tha has consumed me….Iam so sad from having been diagnosed and progressed to Aids…I went to the beach and was tired and distracted there tooo…..It really makes me want it all to end, the sun hasnt shined in the eyes in 5 years….I only wish they wouldnt of saved me in the hospital….I would of been much happier to just be let go…insted I have to hear my wife constantly question why I dont feel good, why I dont want to do this or that…what did the doctor say…when do you see your therapist…its too overwhelming for me….I really want it all to just end in the worst way….my body aches, mymind is a mess….my diseae has made my mouth hurt…my legs feel like tree trunks and Ive become a walking statue…Ive heard HIV can eventually lead to delirium and other near end satges….dementia…including crapping in your pants, awkward movement, slowed speech all because it enters the brain…what the fuck can you do about that?  Its rediculous..who want to live shitting in their pants and becoming senile and still remembering when they were healthy?  not me….I want this to end…..thats my blog for today the 20 something of June 2010 and the birdsstill chirp and the grass still grows and its beautiful to look at  but thats all i do anymore…


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