It is almost 3 years now and everyday gets harder. I do not know if I am being too hard on myself and if I am, then how do I forgive myself? It began with the most memorable date ever, but now I wonder, was I too anxious and too afraid to be alone that I rushed to seek love and comfort in the arms of this “memorable date man” that I threw caution to the wind and didn’t stop to check the boxes and ask the questions?

Crying over spilled milk doesn’t help, I know. But everyday is a struggle for me. I can’t look at myself in the mirror and love who I see. Every morning and evening as I pop a pill into my mouth, I can’t help but blame myself, curse myself and hate myself. For, if I truly loved myself, would I not have protected myself from the get-go and not be in this state of self-loathing?

Knowing that no one forced me into that relationship makes it even harder for me to forgive myself. So I ask, how do I begin to love myself again? To forgive myself? To enjoy life like I used to? To be happy?

I had the opportunity to end the relationship but 4 years later, he is still in my life and my struggles are more. Is this a healthy relationship I ask? Shouldn’t I just walk away? But then who would want to be with me knowing that I am positive? For how do you have an honest and meaningful relationship with someone if you do not disclose the truth?

Maybe one day I will learn to forgive myself and love myself again, I am not there yet. So, how do I learn to love the person I see in the mirror everyday?

5 Comments
  1. Author
    hawi 5 years ago

    Thanks, that is really helpful. It is the simple things in life that do make a difference. How quickly we forget that when faced with life’s struggles.
    Thanks again for your message and for taking the time to encourage me.

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  2. donecaring 5 years ago

    You can not love yourself until you find a way to forgive yourself! Everyone makes poor choices at some time in life,it’s where you go from here that is important. Start a journal, and outline where you want to go with the rest of your life, add some info about how you plan to implement your plans. Make some changes NOW if there is something in your everyday life that is pulling you under, only you know just what that is.

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    • Author
      hawi 5 years ago

      Hi,
      Thanks for taking the time to read my story and to give me words of encouragement.
      It is not easy to forgive myself. Or maybe I should say, I do not know how to begin to do that. And unfortunately, there isn’t a 101 book out there that can help me kick start the process.
      How did you learn to forgive yourself?

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  3. dloe 5 years ago

    If this person did not disclose his status to you before then you need to run away fast.Staying with him will keep you from loving yourself again.There are alot of people out there that will accept you being positive.Just look at how many are on this site.

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    • Author
      hawi 5 years ago

      Hi,
      I do not know what to believe anymore. Was he being honest with me when we first met and claimed they were negative? Who knows. I am not able to stop “beating” myself for not having been more careful and for not having loved myself enough to protect myself.
      I guess it doesn’t help to cry over spilled milk and to go back in time.
      And you wrote something very true, that based on the number of people on this site, it is possible that there is someone out there who will accept me as I currently am. Thanks for those words of wisdom.

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