My marriage was a wash. It was a covid relationship that went on for too long because she wouldn’t let go and I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. Then, there was a suicide attempt in 2022 and I spent a few weeks in the crisis center. After that I broke up with her, but several months and two jobs later we were back together. She had begged me and I didn’t see any worthwhile alternative.

At the end of 2023, we got married. Again, I saw no other option. She seemed to think it would bring us together, and in some small ways it did. I was still miserable, though. All the arguments and the clash of communication styles and the accusations and distrust were too much to deal with, especially when I quit drinking for good.

We split up in October of last year. She was furious that I finally got the gall to demand it. It seemed like ever since I had stopped boozing, she had become more hostile, and not just toward me. This is maybe part of a larger pattern. People seem to like me better when I’m wasted and addicted and bummed out. Am I more predictable that way? More codependent?

Some friends let me stay with them for a month, but their place was neglected by the landlord. We’re renting a house now, but they’re about to move out. My student loans and odd work and help from my aging parents probably aren’t going to keep me afloat, so I’ve got to get a half-decent job.

I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety since I was about 8 years old. I saw a lot of friends die of various causes as a teenager and a young adult. I’ve never had a good job. Past relationships have made me suspicious in that department.

I decided to go into the medical field, but like, a low stress area. I’m working toward that, and trying not to see strangers as enemies. Concentrating on hobbies. Trying to breathe right.

Above is an image I found that kind of illustrates how I feel.