I shouldn't allow myself to write angry emails to friends when I am half awake and upset. This is because every other sentence starts with **** or ***. Even though I do slightly regret the language I used to word this message I don't regret the sentiment behind them.



I have been dealing with getting better from this whole OCD thing and the ERP therapy, while helping, is also making me irritated and upset most of the time out of frustration. Even though I am firm to go through with this to the end that doesn't mean I don't feel lonely, incredibly upset and down right week.



I have had talks with my friends where I live and most of it is just being honest with them about what is going on and they have been amazing about it. Offering to lend an ear no matter when I need it and this has made it easier for me that they are being so wonderful. Even though this is helping what I want is my best friend to care the same way they do.



I have known her since high school and I have always been there for her in a major way even though we have had major bumps in the road we always work it out and being each others friends has made us both better people. When I moved two hours away from her for a new job and honestly to get away from a lot of unhealthy behaviors on my part I thought this would never be a problem. I knew there was the phone and of course internet so there should be no excuse for either of us not to keep in touch. I even made the drive down there to see her as much as I could but in the two years I have lived up here she has come up maybe 3 times.



Two weeks ago I asked her to come up here because I thought it was about time she shelled out the money to come see me, which is not a hard request for a friend. She responded with an affirmative and I let her know which days I was free and told her it was her choice since she was coming up here. That was a week ago and at first I could play it off as she is busy but when you comment on my facebook status I kind of get the feeling you have time to answer an email.



So very late last night when I couldn't sleep because this was bothering me I wrote her a letter. That went like this (note: this has been edited. Please put your own swear words where stars appear kind of like a profane mad lib 😉 )



Ok so I don't know if you are busy and so forth and I should have talked to you about this when the crazy killer dude was in my neighborhood and I had you on the phone but I was a little sidetracked. (note: there was this huge thing on the news where I live of a guy who killed 5 adults and 2 kids and was held up in a house with hostages 3 mins away from me so sidetracked really isn’t the word) Lola you are my best friend and I want to hang out with you but some of the time I kind of feel like all I do is call you and come down there. Maybe this isn't the case and maybe I am just being crazy but the thing is I kind of am crazy. Because right now I can't be touched by anyone without freaking out. This of course is brought to you by the wonderful OCD I am now sporting. Most of my days are spent trying very hard not to let people see the crazy **** I do and trust me it's ******* crazy and I realize that. The rest of my time is spent in my apartment because I don't want to go outside. Mainly because out there I become more stressed and at least when home no one has to see my crazy. I am working on this by trying very hard to make myself do **** with friends even though I don't want to. Not because it's a personal thing but because the entire time I think I am saying everything wrong and doing everything wrong and I panic and then I try so hard not to show that. The thing is I really need you even if you don't get this and even if you think I am ******* insane because honestly I am getting there. What I need is for my best friend to call me and ask how I am. I realize I'm bad at this too and I realize that friendships are a two way street but right now I find it hard to be touched by people so my mental standing isn't so great. I love you and I have always tried to be there for you as best I can but right now I really need you to be here for me. I need my best friend to come up here and say it's going to all be ok and that I will get better or some **** like that because honestly right now at this moment I'm kind of drowning in this OCD. I don't need you to understand this and I don't need you make it all better I just need you to call from time to time and ask how I am and I will try very hard to do the same. I also apologize if this sounds ****** but I haven't left my apartment really all weekend because I fear interacting with people so I'm in a really ****** mood.



As you can see I swear when upset and sometimes just for ***** and giggles but mostly when upset. Even though I regret this a bit I don't think what I am asking is unreasonable. I have the issue where I find it very hard to go outside my apartment but I am making the effort by asking friends to go do stuff. I at least have a valid excuse of my OCD but she doesn't. I realize I should be more understanding and give her the benefit of a doubt but honestly I'm tired of being nice. Before this OCD got bad and before I thought about every little thing I said over and over again I was very blunt. Some people appreciate it and some people don't. But the ones that do became my friends and usually would tell me when I was being too blunt. I miss that girl so very much because this crap would have been dealt with ages ago and not left hanging there to be gone over in my head on nights I can't sleep. I want that girl back I want to be who I was before my OCD became so very bad. I want to be that girl who said what was on her mind no matter who thought I should shut up. I want to have that back but I realize I can't have that if I don't try and if I don’t speak up for myself. That letter, even though a bit profane, was my first attempt. I care how this will go and I will not let myself regret the sentiment behind these words because it's truthful and it's me.