Well I'm once again back from Alabama having spent a couple of nights with D., it was fun per usual. I talked to mom on the trip back and had a total melt down in the car crying, panicking, just sayingI should just go check myself intoThe Mental Hospital how tired I am of this life I'm living , how I can't cope with all that's happened and is happening. Mom has to have a bone marrow test this Thursday and has a form of cancer that left untreated will become luekemia, so with the results of the BMT we will start 6 months of chemo for 5 days a month every 28 days,I think thats right. I don't have a good feeling about this. My TMJ is so bad I threw up from the pain, I don't enjoy eating soI didn't eat for D., said 24 hrs. that also made me sick. D., andI had a wild weekend and now my hip is killing me, lol. My Rocesa is flaring up so my face hurts, my body is overwelomed from stress, I new it would catch up with me sooner or later. There's also finanical problems on top of many other thimgs, a change in mom's nurse at this critical time, the power was turned off, couldn't pay the bill, now were , well we were losing the phone, but my angel D., is taking care of that for us.He's pretty amazing. My emotions are on overdrive with mom's situation, her pacemaker is allright so that's good, but she claims to still be in alot of pain, she's a mess as am I. Meanwhile D., is staying after me to get my TMJ taking care of and gentle nudgung me to take care of myself, I just have so much on me, even the simplests of things drowned me right now.I've been reading up on TMJ and I do need to get something done soon, I've applied for medicade 3 times in this yr. with no responce,I so need it and yesterday.I cannot tolerate much more physical pain, or emotional pain, my threads are breaking day byday, and yes I am afraid, afriad for all that rely on me and afraid for me,I need to be able to relax, let go, to feel in a safe place so I can just get my anguish and hurt out, but with all that's coming…..well I just don't have time, now do I? I feel so broken, so confussed, unsteady in my mind, slow, scared, injured, will I ever be the same again? AmI making a mistake, will I make amistake over and about D.? Will he be the final blow? Can I trust him? What do I expect, need from him, he' has me reeling, spinning, feeling,I don'twant to feel,I though I had that over and done, we all no how my relationship turn out and now that he has me sharing myself with him, well I'm just trying to breath, not think to much, go with it for the moment, but I think he's going to crush me, why? I don't no, I actually have an idea why, I think its because things have progressed so quickly with us it just scares the hell out of me, I'm out of my comfort zone with him, but at the same time it is fun, we aren't in love but we do have fond feelings for each other, ok I'm scared, lol. I just don't no what I feel where he's concerned, I do no he's fun, we laugh, talk, laugh, he's sweet, helpful, smart, we laugh, if nothing else he makes me smile when I look at him, he makes me laugh and I make him laugh, on this last trip we laughed until we cried, its been so long since I've truley had a good laugh like that. I don't want to get dependant upon him or anyone else, its hard for me, I just struggle with the things he wants to do to help, but I am doing them, I'm being good and praticing what I preach, lol. He's opened up with me a little bit, but I was hoping for more asI am am a very mentally connective person, I love mind stimulation accompanied with good conversation, a deep sharing of oneself, all I can do is hope that will soon come. The night he did share something with me I saw a different side of D., it was soft and sad, he shared some of his pain with me, it was a special moment for me to have him share his self with me, a sweet little treasure.
I hope in the coming monthsI will somehow be strong and able to face the challenges that lie ahead, I will find my innerstrengh once again. I will learn to take care of myself as well as others. I hope to trust, love, and be the force that I once was……..