I’ve just written an e-mail to CT. Thanks everyone for your advice. I feel a little relieved and think I can sleep now. My only anxiety now is waiting for her reply. Is it weird that I almost feel as if the best response would be no response. Some how I feel fine now after saying what I truly felt and nothing matters now. If she responds negatively or positively I will most likely just become anxious and dwell on her words. I’m independent of her now and I’m scared her response will change that.
Here is the letter. It’s a bit random but I’m happy with it:
Hi CT,
Merry Christmas! I wish the best for you and your family over the holidays.
I write to you finally after days of ‘putting it off’. I say it like that because I’ve been wanting to write but I want it to be the truth in words. I want it to express how I feel, mention important events, graciously predict the future, and most of all I want it to give you the correct meaning. I’ve put it off because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to say this truth in words. I’m afraid the perfect drafts I wrote in my head will never come out on the screen. But I can’t put it off any more. I must write this the best I can.
I Love You.
I Love You.
I Love You.
I Love You.
I Love You.
I Miss You.
I Miss You.
I Miss You.
I Miss You.
I Miss You.
After weeks of growing silence between us I have assumed the worst… things have changed. Things have changed since you left for school and I for California. Things have changed since the hospital. Things have changed since we last told each other we loved each other. Things have changed since our last kiss. Things have changed since you wrote ‘Moo’ in my card. Things have changed since our scary walk in the dark. Things have changed… I must not dread change or dwell on it but I must get it out in the open. I want us both to be on the same page. Since leaving each other and probably way before, we have not been connecting. We haven’t shared our lives. This is hard for people who Love each other. I must not dwell.
Some things changed physically, some mentally, some unknowingly, some things changed and I don’t necessarily know why or what has specifically changed. All I know is we are different and things feel different.
I’ve given you space. I have a feeling you may have been trying to give me space. My reason was to give you freedom but mainly because I believed you were busy with school and talking constantly was hard on you. I don’t know why you gave me space. Maybe you thought it would be good for me. I don’t know if it was or not… I want to say no but maybe time will tell otherwise. Maybe you gave me space to make it easier on yourself… maybe you were giving yourself space. I will not assume… just relaying some of my thoughts on the matter.
I’ve made accomplishments. I’m sharing because it matters to me. I think sharing matters to you as well but I will not assume.
I’ve gotten some cool new shirts.
I put blonde highlights in my hair.
I bought everybody presents and sent them to Kyle.
I jog regularly and have started working out my arms. (You were my inspiration)
I watched the third season of Prison Break with Chesly and Jesse.
I’ve read two Chuck Palahniuk books and am about to start my third.
I’ve been reading a great self-help book about cognitive therapy that fits in with my previous teachings.
I keep a journal.
I’ve found a blogging site (similar to myspace) for people with depression. I’ve made acquaintances on there and they are like a support group for me. I also write journal like blogs on there. I’ve also been helping others on the site and teaching what I have learned so far. I’ve found a kind of love for the subject and may pursue it further.
I still wear my C.S.O. card.
I finished my feeling logs.
I’ve done everything necessary and am awaiting approval of my medical insurance.
I’ve set a goal to make friends. (None yet)
I say my affirmations in the shower while using your body wash.
I have confidence.
I’ve actually had good moods. (Sadly, not too many lately)
I passed my most recent courses.
I’ve purchased a guitar and have been learning to play. (This one is a secret. You are the first in Washington that I have told. I will surprise my friends and family when I get back.)
I haven’t been hurting you.
Last week I started hurting again. I’m still doing what I need to do but my moods have crashed again. Not hearing from you has caused anxiety. This is what I could never express to you before. The sinking feeling I always got in my stomach and that I have been getting regularly for the last two weeks is anxiety. It’s not simply depression like I always thought. Depression is caused my a feeling of loss. I have trouble getting out of bed when I think of our past and how it is gone… this is depression. I stay up awake at night with my mind racing thinking about what is to come… this is anxiety. I fear the day you call because I feel you would have bad news… this fear is anxiety. It is not your fault. It is not my fault.
I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve felt as if I have been sacrificing myself. I used to push you away when I felt this way to protect my inner self. But now I have been doing everything to not hurt you. I’ve wanted you to be happy and have done everything I thought was in your best interests when communicating with you. In the past I wouldn’t text you back or I would forget to say Love. But now I have been doing the uncomfortable to grow… I’ve been putting you first. Why haven’t I called? I truly feel that you don’t want me to. Why am I writing this? Because things are changing…
I don’t want to hurt you but I am going to move on. I’ve been idle while we’ve been apart this time. Yes, I’ve accomplished all of these things I listed above but emotionally I have been dependent on you. It hurts me. It hurts me more than it should but no one is to blame for that. My hurt will not necessarily go away right away but if I do this right, if I give you this message correctly, if my words are truth, then we both can be happy.
There is no black and white. I’m not physically closing any doors. I will always be here for you physically if you just call. Mentally, I will be opening new doors. I can’t be dependent on you if you are to be free. You have the key now. Call me any time and I am yours. I will always love you. Contrary to what I may have told you before, contrary to what I may have told myself, I have loved twice in my life and I still have a place in my heart for both of those people. Only you have the key to come back into a relationship with me. The other girl is just a friend and will always only be a friend. I want nothing more than that… nothing more than a friendship and past shared memories with her. You I still want. I loved you, I love you, and I want to love you. Only you can allow this. I’m a changed person. Maybe you don’t want this person. Then wait to see who I become next, if you want him… use the key. We both will continue to change. You will always have my key. I’ve decided I want more than just a career out of my life. I have decided I want a wife and children. I am getting older and this will soon be a goal that I am completing. I already asked you to marry me once. I already dreamed of our family. If you ever get this same goal… use the key. If I meet this goal with another woman but then you become ready… use the key. I can’t say I won’t love again but I can say I plan to keep the same locks on the doors that mentally lock you out… you can always use your key. There is no black and white. We are broken up now but if you decide you want to try again… just tell me… I will always be here… not waiting but still here.
This is all I can say for now. It didn’t come out like anything that existed previously in my head but it is true, it is the best representation of my thoughts, feelings, and conclusions.
Love always,
Randy
p.s. Mooooo
