i can’t help but feel like i’ve ruined a great deal of my life.  No, this is not a pity party and i never set out to make anything i write seem that way.  i am merely writing what’s weighing on my heart and mind.  As some of you are aware, i’ve been trying to cope with issues my daughter has been facing–as well as trying to ‘teach’ her that to improve her circumstances, she needs to make some changes and stick with them.  *sigh  She messaged me, last night, telling me she was packing their belongings (hers and my grandson’s) to go somewhere else to reside.  She didn’t say where or what happened–even after i asked.  Just simply asked for me to fund her a new iphone and so forth, so she’d be “able to keep in contact with me.”  That’s not gonna happen.  If i don’t even have an iphone, why would i get her one, when she’s not even responsible enough to find and keep a residence OR a job?  i know it must sound like i’m being awfully hard on her.  But, trust me when i say i’m not.  i’ve sent her just about all the money i had, for two months.  And, i know she didn’t even think about how i/we were going to pay our bills.  Of course, i worry about the safety and well-fare of my grandson.  His mother never had to worry about having a place to live, when she was growing up.  She never had to worry about where her next meal was coming from.  i just can’t understand what was so bad in her life, that she’s had to make the terrible choices she’s made, especially in the past five years or so, now.  

i actually stopped in to chat at another site, earlier….one that i was like a regular member of, several years ago.  And, when i got into a chat with this one individual, that i’d recognized the name from my prior usage of the site, and so forth, the questions came up about my current life.  How are things going with my current husband?  What kind of life am i actually having here?  Does he really love me, and if so, why hasn’t he gotten this blasted paperwork completed and submitted?  i felt the tears begin to creep out of my eye—-just as my husband walked in the door and closed it.  So, i immediately cut off the waterworks.  Of course, it didn’t stop the mental-processing and so forth.  *sigh  Here i sit, wondering what….what have i done with my ‘life’????  Why am i still here???   i must be one of the most gullible freakin idiots on the planet!  Or ignorant….or something….i hate myself for getting me into another sad excuse for a marriage.  i hate myself for how everything’s transpired these last several years.  i hate the fact that i am being forced to worry, daily it seems, over whether or not i’m even going to be allowed to live with my husband, should he desire to make this work.  i despise the fact that i’ve allowed the manipulation and lies to carry over into my kids’ lives….and, now, probably my grandson’s as well.  What does all the “good” i’ve done even matter???????????  If i were so good, things like this shouldn’t have happened to me—or would they?  

Again, these are my thoughts and feelings…if i don’t get it out, it’ll just eat me up inside.

4 Comments
  1. rousiecat 5 years ago

    As a mother of two grown children i can honestly say I understand your feelings. As mothers we want our children to succeed and be independent. Everything I have gone through was for my kids. Ive gone hungry, without clothing, a decent coat, without medication, dental care etc. I had been married to an alcoholic who terrorized me every night even setting the house on fire while me and my children were sleeping. Hence one of the reasons why i have panic anxiety disorder. Just one of the many many reasons. If it was me, I wouldnt get her a phone. That emotional blackmail. She knows you will worry about your grandchild. Its a shame your grandson is involved in the mess.
    Is there anyone you can report the situation to? How safe is he?
    By the way my ex husband, whom I divorced 22 years ago is now homeless due to his alcoholism. So I am dealing with my kids reaction to all that
    Hang in there. We are all here for you and yes you DO matter! You need to live for YOU. And take care of you. Thats something I learned in therapy and its so true.
    Hugs Beth

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  2. Author
    delane 5 years ago

    ***hugs***
    Thanks for your input–both of you.
    Rousiecat, i can understand where you’re coming from. My ex may not’ve been an alcoholic, but he definitely didn’t mind hitting and other ways of ‘control’…i stayed with him, for similar reasons, and the fact that i had NO ONE in my corner…(which became all too true, when i left)
    So, we fight for another day. Oh, and i just got a couple messages from my daughter: she’s no longer leaving–was just freaking out and stressing; as well as the uncertainty with her job and income. *sigh
    She’s such a drama queen……thanks to her grandmother.

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  3. ucfdarkknight 5 years ago

    *hugs

    you got really good advice from the other members on this one.

    I don’t think you single handidly ruined your life. It seems like you had difficult people to work with.

    I also do believe we all have regrets. I know my situation isn’t as tough as yours, but you’ve read yourself how I’m dealing with guilt and regret.

    Nobody is perfect.

    Progress, not perfection.

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