i can’t help but feel like i’ve ruined a great deal of my life.  No, this is not a pity party and i never set out to make anything i write seem that way.  i am merely writing what’s weighing on my heart and mind.  As some of you are aware, i’ve been trying to cope with issues my daughter has been facing–as well as trying to ‘teach’ her that to improve her circumstances, she needs to make some changes and stick with them.  *sigh  She messaged me, last night, telling me she was packing their belongings (hers and my grandson’s) to go somewhere else to reside.  She didn’t say where or what happened–even after i asked.  Just simply asked for me to fund her a new iphone and so forth, so she’d be “able to keep in contact with me.”  That’s not gonna happen.  If i don’t even have an iphone, why would i get her one, when she’s not even responsible enough to find and keep a residence OR a job?  i know it must sound like i’m being awfully hard on her.  But, trust me when i say i’m not.  i’ve sent her just about all the money i had, for two months.  And, i know she didn’t even think about how i/we were going to pay our bills.  Of course, i worry about the safety and well-fare of my grandson.  His mother never had to worry about having a place to live, when she was growing up.  She never had to worry about where her next meal was coming from.  i just can’t understand what was so bad in her life, that she’s had to make the terrible choices she’s made, especially in the past five years or so, now.  

i actually stopped in to chat at another site, earlier….one that i was like a regular member of, several years ago.  And, when i got into a chat with this one individual, that i’d recognized the name from my prior usage of the site, and so forth, the questions came up about my current life.  How are things going with my current husband?  What kind of life am i actually having here?  Does he really love me, and if so, why hasn’t he gotten this blasted paperwork completed and submitted?  i felt the tears begin to creep out of my eye—-just as my husband walked in the door and closed it.  So, i immediately cut off the waterworks.  Of course, it didn’t stop the mental-processing and so forth.  *sigh  Here i sit, wondering what….what have i done with my ‘life’????  Why am i still here???   i must be one of the most gullible freakin idiots on the planet!  Or ignorant….or something….i hate myself for getting me into another sad excuse for a marriage.  i hate myself for how everything’s transpired these last several years.  i hate the fact that i am being forced to worry, daily it seems, over whether or not i’m even going to be allowed to live with my husband, should he desire to make this work.  i despise the fact that i’ve allowed the manipulation and lies to carry over into my kids’ lives….and, now, probably my grandson’s as well.  What does all the “good” i’ve done even matter???????????  If i were so good, things like this shouldn’t have happened to me—or would they?  

Again, these are my thoughts and feelings…if i don’t get it out, it’ll just eat me up inside.