To be honest, I’ve been afraid of speaking up (I still am). On one hand, I worry about if I’m being judged. On the other hand, what would I have left if I let these feelings go? These thoughts and feelings have been with me for so long that they’ve become a part of me. My mind believes this is who I am. If I let it go, I would be empty.

Reaching out hasn’t been as helpful. The last time I talked to the suicide hotline, they didn’t seem to care. They didn’t seem to acknowledge anything I was saying or how I was feeling. Even during meetings with my first therapist, I felt similarly. It felt like they wanted me out of there as fast as possible. At least I have a new therapist now who’s so much better. 

Each time I reach out, I feel like a disappointment. I’ve been given so many resources, yet I keep having these thoughts.

I’m hesitant to believe what people say. It’s easy to lie through texts. I’m afraid of being lied to. What if I’m just being given false hope?

Deep down, there is a part of me that wants someone to tell me to kill myself. A part of me wants everyone to give up on me. Just let me go. I expect everyone to hate and be annoyed with me because I keep making the same mistake. I keep pushing everyone and everything away, but then come back.

I feel like I don’t deserve to be helped. Why should I be? I’m just burdening everyone by relying on them so much. I’m worthless anyway.

Loneliness is painful. I feel like I’m a waste of space. I don’t fit in. I’m not needed. I don’t belong anywhere. It’s pointless for me to be here.

Every time I speak, my voice goes unheard. I could disappear and no one would notice or care. No one hears or sees me.

Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, the voice in my head speaks. It’s loud and I’m powerless against it. My day always starts off miserable because of that.

Everyday is almost unbearable. The voice is so loud, there’s no way to drown it out. I can’t focus on assignments. I’m exhausted. I want to cry.

There are moments when I want to be comforted. Reassured that everything is going to be okay. But whenever I feel that way, no one is there.

I’m scared that I’m forcing people to help me. I don’t ever want to force anything on anyone. It’s understandable if everyone is tired of this or doesn’t want anything to do with it. Listening to someone struggling with suicidal thoughts is tough. It’s harder when that person doesn’t seem to be getting better.

I just want all of this to be over. A part of me doesn’t care anymore.

To whomever reads this, I hope you have a great day/night. Love you.