Ive been dealing with alot around here, fussy 9 yr old boy, weird neighbor things, bills stuff I could be dealing without and itreally got me thinking about everything and dysfunctionalism in almost everything I see around me. I think we re are disfuctional in society in general, forget the HIV. I never raised kids before, the whole drama thing, crying over a toy, little stuff, then I realized the HIV wasnt getting me down as much as all of the trivial nonsense. Now I am just dad, I pick up clothes, do the school drive through gig and I used to be a full time worker. Now I am just ap erson who does uh errands. I dont really care but it made me think that life really gets pretty freakin monotonous. I came a ccross a video on Utube and it was in reference to Gene Sprague who jumped off the bridge in San Fran and just ended it all in a final gracefull fall backwards. He didnt fight the fall, just let his body go. In a weird way it looked almost beautiful, he had been through so much pain trying to find himself in life, he wore all black, had the long black hair and from the clips of family and friends seemed like a cool guy just couldnt find his place in life. he was only 35 years old. Yesterday i turned 49 and started thinking jeez Im old Im ready to go whether I have HIV or not, Ive lived, I travelled, Ie seen enough I guess…then I went back and saw a beautiful guitar dedication to Gene Sprague played by a young girl on Utube. It really was amazing and I thought wow, that was cool, then I see that she just died in January at 18 years old. My point is that no matter anyones condition we are all subject to dissapointment, depression,hopelessness and suicide along with sooo many other ways to get taken out. I really dont think about HIV much anymore, Im treadmilling 4 miles a day which helps but I really just feel blessed to still be alive after all Ive been through. Just my thoughts although I know it probably means nothing in the whole scheme of life…call it an observation