I'm so tired. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. These are the times that depression hits at full blast, and there is nothing I can do but surf the waves that make my body shake. Never thought I would be the one to think for once that those people were right. I am worthless. I am nothing. It's hard to endure the constant struggles inside of me. To continue living with a smile on my face knowing that I have a brain tumor in my head that I am scared is going to kill me from the inside. Isn't it enough that I am already dying emotionally and mentally from the inside? "You can do this", the therapists and the doctors say to me every time I go to an appointment. Then they get mad when I scream out that they dont know my pain. Its not only about the brain tumor. I have been trying my best to keep a strong outlook on life. Really. However, nowadays I don't see the point. I am close to failing the 12th grade. All because of my messed up grade in Biology and my inability to stay awake due to an adjustment of my meds. Why did they have to raise the dosage of my Trazedone I do not know, I shake my head at that pychiatrist. I get so frustrated with life. I have felt numb though. Sometimes I wish I could feel something. Now I just block things out. Or at least I try. I has been hard. Every day I walk around and think of all the reasons I should NOT hurt myself. It calms me down a little bit. I am trying to stay calm. This site helps more than people will ever know

1 Comment
  1. DiscoQueen 8 years ago

    Oh my dear I can't even imagine having to deal with all that at such a young age. You are dealing with a brain tumor and depression meds and being a teenager all at the same time. Give yourself credit for just making it through the day. I understand about the huge wave of pain hitting you and trying to stay on top of it instead of drowning in it. Keep on finding anything to distract you from hurting yourself and keep going.

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