whats the point in living when everyone looks at you as if you’re worthless and stupid. i feel like i’m different than everyone else, like everyone else is better than me and like they know and understand eachother so well. i dont see the point in trying to talk to people anymore if they’re just going to look at me like they’re better than me, and like i wont notice the looks they’re giving me. i know i sound extremely crazy. i’m getting crazier by the day. i walk around trying to act like nothing is bothering me, lying to everyone who asks. it’s not like they would understand or even care or try to help me. i’m old enough now, i need to get help for myself and stop depending on other people. it’s so hard though. i’m not "growing up" as fast as anyone else i know. i feel like a little kid pretending to be 20. maybe i’m just friends with the wrong people. but its not like i can get up and get new friends just like that. i’m stuck with my roommate and thus stuck with all of these people that don’t like me that much. they’re putting up with me, they’re tired of my pointless depression. they know that i dont have anything to be depressed about, their lives are so much harder than mine. yet i’m the one with the crazy mood swings and the inability to be happy for more than a minute. i’m the one with all the crazy thoughts thinking the world is falling down on me. i can’t believe how worthless my life has become. i should have known though. since i was in middle school i’ve been so pessimistic, i’ve never enjoyed what i have, and i’ve always made things out to be worse than they actually are. i’ve never taken good care of myself. i shouuld have seen this coming. i should have tried harder and i should have recognized what i was letting happen to myself. i want to die more than i’ve ever wanted anything. i’m used to getting what i want but i know that i’ll never be able to kill myself. i’m stuck in this hell feeling like shit. i’m going to end up in a fucking mental institution one day, i know it. i’m starting to see the ways in which i’m losing my mind but no matter how hard i try i cant change them; and more people are seeing me for what i am. i just want to hide or die but i can’t. i just have to let myself keep hurting and let my mind keep deteriorating and pretend that i dont care.

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