Lonely addiction, lonely recovery? I think so. No one knew I was taking pills, no one. Not even they guy that I was buying pills from. I always told the guy that I was getting pills from that I was getting them for someone else. Like I was doing him a huge favor because I was just on overly nice person, or like the fact that I let him cop a feel every now and then because I was in to him. Yeah lies, lies, lies, and more lies. Because that’s what you have to be good at hen you are popping 10 to 15 pills a day just to stay well. Not even at the end when I was sitting on my back porch weighing my final two options in life, did anyone know that I was addicted to pills.
Saturday July 14, 2012 was the day that I had decided that I had had enough, there were not enough pills at my disposal any more to keep me from getting sick anymore and I was smack dab in the middle of another pill withdrawal and I really did not feel like stabbing myself in the hand again to go to the hospital to get more pain killers. So the way that I saw it is that I had two choices, I could get in my car, drive to the top of the canyon and drive back down as fast as I could and see how far I could get without any brakes, or I could go and get help. I know for sure that I would have easily picked the first choice if I did not have kids. But lucky for those little guys (I think) I love them so much that the thought of them having to grow up knowing the pain of a parent that has committed suicide was just not an option, and then something happened, my phone rang. My mother was on the other end asking if she could take my oldest son, Brady, out to a movie that weekend. I told her that she could and I am sure that she could hear in my voice that something was not right. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I needed to come over to her house and talk to her. I don’t really remember what was going on in my head as I drove over there. I do remember I was not scared, if anything I think I was very calm. I think that I was calm because I knew that it was finally all going to be over.
