I have about 20 minutes & then it's off to walk & work. Already, not even 6 am and I'm off to a rousing start. I was about to come here & ramble & my computer had other ideas. Froze up & then shut down….after a scan, restore & reboot, it looks like I'm back. While that was doing it's thing I figured I'd get in the shower. That ended up being ice cold. I feel clean and annoyed.

Yesterday was okay. Walked with my…..work friend then we were off to work. I had heard something on the radio, one of those dr call in shows…..and it got me to thinking about when J & I used to txt each other random appreciative things and flirty txts. So i sent him one. Didn't hear anything for quite a while & the warm fuzzies that I was feeling was starting to wear off. I called at lunch…he's hanging out with his friend Jason. I don't chat for long, warm fuzzies gone.

I like Jason…I do. I feel for the guy. He just lost his wife about a month ago. He doesn't seem to really have many friends to hang out with. They've been fishing together and have planned other fishing trips. J told me on the way to golf about a fishing trip this weekend he wanted to go to. I can't tell him no.

I won't tell him no.

I have been granted many many outings over the years. Weekends, day trips. And as much as I have told J over the years to take time and do things, he hasn't. So there is no way in hell I am going to start now.

If I try unloading on him about things that are bugging me, he's immediately going to want to fix it all. He can't. I have talked to him before….prefaced by telling him, I don't want you to fix it….just listen. And while he does….he tries to fix too.

The house makes me crazy. It overwhelms me with the thought of all that needs/should be done. From the dust/dirt, to the clutter, the laundry, the projects started…..not to mention the newest influx of flies. Wondering if those are in part due to kids going in & out and not always closing the doors. Not that my house is filthy…it's not, but I see smudges here and cobwebs there.

Too many kids. Granted, 3 of them will be gone in 9 days. It's been nice having them but it's just too much noise and goings on. It's also made me realize that I'm too selfish for little ones.

I kinda feel like I'm just going thru the motions. Get up, go to work, come home, participate minimally, go to bed and then start it all over again. Lonely in the crowd.

And on that note, I must go.