Last night was a long one. I didn’t get to bed until 430am or around that time. I woke up at 1pm and went back to sleep until 3pm. So I guess I have caught up on my sleep.
Yesterday was a hard one for me. Not only for the fact that I didn’t have a drink, everyday that I don’t do that is a hard one, but also for the fact that I opened up to someone about something I have never done before. It was very emotionally drainging, but also like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. Am I scared of what I said, I’m petrified. Will me opening up about this change my life all of a sudden? No. of course not. But maybe this is just a stepping stone to getting better.
Today I took some advise and went for a walk with my dog. I’m always scared of leaving the house, and so maybe taking the dog would help. Well I don’t know if it did. I was heckled by a group of young guys who were drinking. They yelled at me, wolf whistled at me.. what makes it worse they do it to make me feel bad. I’m not an attractive person. I’m overweight and downright ugly, so when they do that I know that they are only doing it to make me feel crap. They yelled things like "Hey sexy, you know I like big girls" and things like that, when I ignored them it turned to "Hey Fatty" "your dog wont protect you" and just a whole heap of stuff. By the time I was past them I was in tears. Even having my dog can’t save me from the world. I don’t know if i’m going to have the courage to do it again.
So when I got home, i have just hidden in my bedroom. My santuary. Every time I get the courage to go out something bad happens. I don’t know what i’m going to do anymore. I’m lost. So completly lost. My headache seems to intensified. I took more pain killers, and yet again, it didn’t help. Maybe it’s tension headaches i’m not sure. I have spend the afternoon in my bedroom, trying to sleep, but its not coming.
I wish I could go outside the house without feeling small. I wish that people would just leave me alone. Stop staring at me. Dont look at me. They look at me like i’m deformed or something. Well I guess in a way I am. I’m deformed and completly alone. Lost.
My pain is my friend. Pain keeps me suffering. I’m deserving of my suffering.